Tomatoes!

I haven't canned tomatoes for about two years...how I have missed their fresh taste in all my soups and chili. Using store bought tomatoes does not even come close. I've been thinking I missed the season to can them but then my friend Dyan came through and sent me a great connection! Normally I do most of my canning of fruit in the middle of the hot, hot, and miserable summer. But canning in November is a DREAM!!!! It was so much nicer, cooler and just seamed easier this time of year.

Canning in November means no cranking down the A/C, no multiple fans blowing from all directions, no steam from all the boiling water and pressure canners cooking yourself along with the fruit; basically I'm not sweating it out for 4-8 hours! I did all the tomato canning with my sister-in-law Jenny and best of all we had one canner going outside on a camping burner! Wow, that was nice! It went pretty quickly and we each came out with 14 quarts of stewed deliciousness!






Oh, and Z was there as well!

Building On A Legacy Of Faith

Two years ago our stake split from one stake to two. A stake is a large congregation within our church made up of several wards, which are smaller congregations. Both are set up geographically which makes it really nice because you attend church with your neighbors and those that live near by. The stake we were in grew too large and so it was split. The stake we live in became the new stake which meant we did not have a building for all of us to meet. This has made things a little difficult as we have shared buildings with surrounding stakes while we looked for land to build on. Being made up geographically, ideally the new building will be in the area where those that will use it live. We were asked to pray and fast to help in this process and a while back it was announced that a location had been found. Today was the ground breaking.

I had never been to a ground breaking ceremony before, although they occur for just about every new building that is constructed within the church. It was incredible! I worked yesterday so when I got home last night I was not sure I wanted to get up early to attend because I tend to need and very much enjoy my sleep after a long day. But early sometime this morning, maybe 4am or so I woke up with voices of my grandparents in my head, "Angie, you have actual Mormon pioneer blood pumping through your body and you think you're too tired to get up and celebrate such a historical event?" I rationalized with thinking we had been told that parking would be terrible, we would have to walk quite a ways to get there and that we needed to bring our own chairs to sit in; aka: more junk to haul and haul it a long way (you all know my major adjustments in hauling so much junk around since getting Z). But then I next thought was, "You think you have to walk a long ways hauling a few chairs and diaper bag?" So that confirmed it, I was going. Plus, I really wanted to have Z there so I could tell him all about it one day.


We had lots of friends there, here are Bryce and Lee (ha ha, you're not hiding now)! I really love Steve's expression in the back too.



This was the choir, they sang Faith In Every Footstep, one of my favorites. The choir was made up of several members of our ward and another ward as well.


One Primary kid spoke, the Primary children (kids ages 3-11) sang How Firm A Foundation, a teenage girl spoke, then we all gathered at the pole...


I thought this was the coolest part. Our Stake President is really into object lessons and that was very evident today. This large telephone pole had been erected with a ring around the top and hundreds of cords streaming down. Each family was to hold a cord to represent that each person was needed to support the church and serve those people that need us. If one cord was dropped and several were; the pole remained strong and steady because those around kept hold until that person could grab and pull their cord again.

Besides all that, it just looked really cool and was so moving to see members of our stake all around holding to their own cords. We all sang True to the Faith. The line, "True to the faith that our parents have cherished," always touches me but especially today as I thought of my own ancestors and the sacrifices they made for the faith they loved and believed in. There in the mist of all those people with my own little Z, I couldn't help but think of Zadok Knapp Judd Jr. and all that he did with his life.



Finally, it was time for members of our Stake Presidency and a few others (including a few Primary children and young women and young men) to grab a golden shovel and be the first to "break the ground." All at once, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was piped over the loud speakers singing Come Come Ye Saints and most moving for me was the release of a flock of white doves. It was incredible and brought me to tears as I watched the doves fly and the words, "Come, come, ye Saints, no toil or labor fear; but with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, grace shall be as your day."






The Stake President spoke about how Mormon Pioneers who had been asked to settle parts of Arizona had actually crossed the Salt River right at this point and walked the ground where this new building will be. He wondered if they had any idea of how much would follow; the saints that would come after them, how they would sacrifice and survive and later thrive here in this desert. How they came 90 years before any air conditioning would be available. I am so thankful to them, and so thankful to live in this time with so much comfort. What an incredible blessing this turned out to be, one that will not soon be forgotten.

Too Good To Be True

So I've already been in bed tonight all ready to go to sleep for work tomorrow. But I just can't sleep thinking of Norma. I know many of you are probably sick of hearing me talk about how wonderful she is to me, so you can skip this. In fact, right now I have some of the cutest Halloween pictures and stories to tell about Zad's first Halloween. But for tonight that will have to wait.

Tonight was our ward's Halloween Trunk or Treat. I invited Norma at the last minute a few nights ago not knowing if she would want to come but she did, so she did; get it? Afterwards we came back here and bathed and dressed Zad for bed. She wrestled him in his pre-bed wild state for a while before she left and for some reason I started asking her some questions about if she missed being his mother. She said, "yes." I asked her a few more questions and we talked for a little bit, the three of us with Pirate Z crawling and climbing around thinking we were all there to entertain him.

Hours later I was rummaging around our pantry when I found a little bottle of Gas-X for babies. I put it there back in January after Norma gave it to me the night she gave us Z. I have glanced at it all year and thought of her but tonight I just stopped and for a moment if felt like my heart stopped too.

I remembered her handing it to me so gingerly after all the hubbub had died down. I remembered her explaining why and how she would give it to him. I didn't get it back then but she was talking to me mother to mother. She had written up a whole list of his likes and dislikes that she had discovered in just his first two weeks of life. I remember thinking, "How could she possibly know all that already?" I didn't get it then but I get it now. She was his mother then and some things mothers just know. I didn't get then how a mother would feel if she were handing off her most cherished piece of herself. How much that mother would want to make sure I knew all I could about him so that I could care for him the best. I remember loving her for her sacrifice but just not understanding really all that she was giving up, I felt numb that night. Really, I felt numb for months afterwards. Numb since that first phone call that there was a girl my age in Queen Creek, who had just decided to place her 10-day old baby boy, and was looking for a couple that was willing to be in an open adoption. I remember for several minutes wondering if I had dreamed it all. It just seemed too good to be true. I just now feel like I might be thawing a bit.

Z and everything that came with him was just such a huge change; along with becoming a mother for the first time I really inherited a wonderful new family. It feels as though I got married again; new man in my life, new family that came with him, new ways of doing everything, new schedules, new career so to speak, blessing and sealing to plan, baby showers, rearranging my house, babysitters, more laundry, baby sized everything, visitors on top of visitors, and then speaking on adoption twice a month or so. And all of that with about 48 hours notice.

Through it all I just didn't get it.... until tonight.

Tonight with just a glance at that bottle of baby drops I felt maybe a little of what Norma felt that night. My heart physically hurt for her again as I realized just how much she gave of herself for him. This time I felt for her not as a person watching another hurt as a bystander, but as a mother. A mother who would send all the instruction and advice she could to give that baby the best she could if she were in my place. My heart aches tonight for that mother. And I'm complaining about not being about to shop at BR anymore? How could I even compare her sacrifice to my inconvenience? Who am I?




Then I think of the Savior and the Father of us all. How grateful I am to have become a mother this way. To see the Savior and His sacrifice and the sacrifice our Father made in a deeper, richer, more vibrant light. To have gained an inkling of Their pain and Their love for me and all of us. To know that They love us even more than Norma and Steve and I combined love Z. It makes me want to do all I can do to live the best life I can, to forgive others, be more patient, more kind, more loving, and give Z the very best of who I am because he deserves nothing less. How blessed we all are and especially me.


Z, Steve, Norma, and all of my family and blessings..... they still seem too good to be true.

Thank You Mayo!

Thank you all for your kind, kind comments on my last post, they are so needed right now! I'm tearing up tonight reading them, so happy to finally be home after a 16-hour day at the hospital! Don't ask. Even though it has been such a long day my heart is still pained thinking about not being an official Mayo RN anymore. Besides the fun money it provided what I will really miss is:

*My patients
It is truly an honor to be there in what often is a persons most trying moments. I have learned so much about myself and grown so much taking care of these people. It's hard to be a cancer nurse, organ transplant nurse and not get involved and grow to love them. I believe I will be a better mom because of what I have learned being a nurse.

*My dear friends
Something happens between people that truly bonds them in a way when they work so hard to achieve the same difficult, sometimes intense goal) These friends have really been a second family to me and have cared for me in some of my lowest moments. You have also made me laugh harder, dance crazier, and sing the songs from the Sound of Music more then when I was a teenager (although I never sang those songs as a teenager). I love you all.

*Pushing myself harder physically, emotionally, and mentally all in a day than I ever have anywhere else. Although something tells me I may be doing more of this in my future.

*My fantastic Mayo Insurance
I have never had it so good medically before. I believe Mayo will always be my #1 choice for quality health care. What a blessing that turned out to be the last few years! Most recently the very appreciated adoption reimbursement! Thank you Mayo!

For all of those reasons and the fab cranberry chicken salad in the cafeteria I will miss you Mayo!

Ch Ch Changes!

So....I QUIT MY JOB!!! Yes tomorrow will be my last scheduled day to work. I am going "supplemental" after tomorrow. Basically I will only be working a little here and there, maybe only twice a month! Just enough to keep my license and skills current. Sorry, if I work with you and haven't told you yet, it has been a long and hard decision for me to make.

Steve and I have always planned for me to stay home with our kids one day. We have always had a four door car, lived in at least a 2 bedroom home, and only made financial decisions that Steve could support on his own without me working. Still, it is a huge change for us and for me, more specifically. I have been in a little bit of shock making this big change, "little bit" would probably be an understatement. I absolutely love my job. I love being a nurse and I even more love being a nurse at Mayo. I love just about everything about it. In fact there is very little I would change; like I would move Mayo to Mesa and be able to be in two places at once. At home with Z and at work with my patients. I love both so much except I love being at home with Z just a little bit more.

The first night I met Norma one of the questions she asked me was whether I would work or stay home as a mom. I answered as we had always planned, "I'll be staying at home with our kids." It's all I ever wanted really and what I have wanted long before I wanted to be a nurse. But life had other plans for me and becoming and working as a nurse has been a dream I never knew I had. One I never knew I would love so much. Working at Mayo has been even better, its an ideal place to work as a nurse. However, it's a season in my life I feel has passed. Now is the season of motherhood for me. It has been a bitter sweet change at times.

So to celebrate my new season I went fabric shopping the other day. I am all stocked up to make Z into the cutest, scariest little pirate for Halloween, I wanted him to be Michael Jackson in Thriller, SteveO said "no way." So it's going to be a pirate. Plus in memory of the stockings my grandma made for her kids and my mom made for us, I bought red felt! I can hardly wait to see the new versions kicked up a notch hanging on my mantel! I will post a pic, I promise!

So with the job, goes the "fun" money I used to provide. Which means goodbye to my monthly massages, my extra gym membership with the pool, my twice a month housekeeper (yes, its true...a little secret I have kept; Julia and crew I will and have already been dearly missing you), and most painfully leaving is my obsession with Banana Republic and Nordstrom. There, its all out there, all my quiet little secrets I have told almost no one! I have felt a little ashamed about all of it but have loved every bit of it.

Dear Z,
I love you very, very much. You are worth every bit of personal sacrifice and comfort I am giving up to be with you full time.

Love,
Your New 24/7 Mommy
XOXO *Kisses to your adorable plump cheeks*

THis Day Is Here

I can hardly believe that this day is really here. I remember the first time I thought about this day and what it might be like. I was in a hospital bed on the floor where I work. Steve had left a few hours before to get some rest at home. He was trying to work, come visit me everyday and still keep everything running at home for when I would return. He was tired, but he sat with me, took me on walk around to all the places I usually went as a nurse. And we talked.

I was coming to the end of an 18-day stay and was finally beginning to feel better from what can only be described as the worst physical pain I had ever experienced. Little did I know the emotional pain was around the corner, waiting for me, and the Lord mercifully let me experience these two pains separately from one another. For that I am incredibly grateful.

We talked about our plans to adopt even though we had just found out my body would never and could have never carried a child. Again, the Lord had blessed me all those years of desperately pleading for a baby by not putting one in my body. But I knew we would adopt even before all this had happened. Before surgeries to discover what problems may exist in my body. We were in the temple together with some of our family, and I knew that day.

But on this night in the hospital we talked about when we would start the paperwork. We decided in a few months, after the current storm of our lives had blown over a little more and I felt strong again. We talked about what our child might look like, where they would come from, and how we hoped the baby would not have my feet or Steve's pale skin. We were excited and we talked about many different possibilities of babies. We laughed and held each other and dreamed. Then he left for home.

I lay in that bed, in that dark room I had only known with lights on and thinking of what I needed to accomplish while in there. Now it was my home. And I thought of this day. I thought of being in the temple with our baby, sealing that baby to us for eternity. I thought of how strange it would feel to take a baby into the temple, a place where usually only adults go to make covenants with the Lord. I thought of how everyone would know what we were doing there just because we carried a baby through the halls and how they would smile at us. I thought of our family and friends and the joy I knew they would feel too as they witnessed our little miracle be sealed to us on that day. But most of all I thought about the overwhelming joy and happiness and immense gratitude I would feel that the Lord had granted me most heartfelt desire. A baby. Forever sealed to me and to Steve.

This day is here.

So many things to talk about!

So many things are going on in our crazy life right now and I love it all.

First: My brother Mac returned home from his mission to Oakland, California! Two years went by both slowly and very quickly for us while he was gone. He is the same but different in some ways as well. Z warmed up to him immediately (surprise, surprise). It has been great to have him home for a little over a week now. We really look forward to spending some time in the temple with him in a few weeks when we have Zad sealed to us.




#2: Z turned 6 months! He just gets bigger and happier the older he gets. Sometimes he just breaks out into big belly laughs at the littlest things. He grunts so I grunt back, he squeals and I squeal back, then he just cracks up; I just love it! Every morning when he wakes up I hear him talking to himself and I head in to get him. He hears the door open and just goes crazy kicking and squealing with a big grin waiting for me to pick him up. It's as if seeing me in the morning all disheveled and sleepy is the greatest part of his day (at least that's what I think). It is actually slowly converting me into a morning person.

He is in the 75% for weight (at almost 20lbs.), 85% for height (Steve loves this), and 95% for his head (he is a smart boy, you know). He rolls over and scoots around the floor, grabs his feet and chews on his toes, babbles, and eats lots of cereal and veggies.









#3: Norma, Steve, and I seem to be on the speaking circuit for adoption and all of its aspects lately. We spoke at a regional adoption conference on Saturday. It was a conference for adoptive couples who are currently in the process of adoption. Norma did a wonderful job. She first spoke with her mom and sister Monica on experiences a birth family goes through when placing a child for adoption. I find myself just marveling at how amazing this family is over and over again. They truly leave me in awe as I listen to their story of finding adoption as an answer to all of their prayers, and then Norma's unselfish choice that I know broke her heart. What I find even more incredible is how the Lord continues to heal her heart. Each time I see her she seems to be more content and happy with her decision to place her son with us. This is so comforting to me as I have spent so many nights praying that her life will always be as happy and as fulfilling as He can help it to be. She is a hero to me.

My dad also spoke on Saturday as an adoptee. His experience is quite different from most adoptions, especially compared to those of today. I always enjoy hearing him speak and it was so nice of him to fly down and share his story with so many people.

My dear friend from nursing school, Jody came to speak as well. She is a stellar pediatric nurse who came to teach on new born care. It's rare that adoptive couples are present during the whole hospital shpeal on caring for a newborn so her information was very needed and appreciated.

Finally Norma and another birth mom, Cami spoke on open adoption, a topic that makes many adoptive couples nervous, as it did us at one time. It's surprising to look back and realize how much our views of open adoption have changed, a 180 from where we started. To me, this is the area of adoption that not only requires a great amount of faith but also holds with it some of the sweetest blessings. Most people think of it from the side of the birth mom and the benefits it holds for her: seeing that her baby is happy and healthy, reaffirming that she made a good choice, etc. But from our side of things it brings so much peach to see that she is happy, doing well, progressing with her life, happy with her decision of us as his family. From where I sit now, I see very few negative aspects of having an open adoption. However, I feel that such a good relationship with Norma has been born of both sides moving forward with caution and consideration for one another but mostly just a love for each other and faith that Heavenly Father cares for all of us equally and desires us all to be happy.

The conference was wonderful and I think we were all pretty exhausted afterward. With so much emotion involved with telling our stories and hearing those of other birth moms and the families they have chosen; it felt like an emotional marathon that lasted all day. Steve, Z and I crashed hard that night in Flagstaff.

Yes that's right, after the conference we headed to Flag to hear Mac give his homecoming talk in church. My dad was gracious enough to fly us up and then back Sunday evening. It really saved us a lot of time and energy we did not have. An hour in a plane sure beats two and a half hours by car, plus we skip all the traffic; its wonderful. Every time we fly with my dad I think, Steve really needs to finish pursuing his license. Besides Z loves to fly as well, happy as a little toad!

#4 We are getting ready to celebrate our 14th, yes FOURTEENTH wedding anniversary! I can't tell you how old this makes me feel but 14 years with Steve and I don't regret one of them yet!! He really is amazing. I have a doctor that I have seen many, many times over the years since we have been married, Dr. Shahon. He is a wonderful urologist, who has seen me in both some great and really bad times. Even now when I see him he asks how Steve is doing and I say, "He's the best!" To which Shahon responds, "You always say that." But what else can I say, Steve really is the best. I don't expect every one to think that, especially if they think their husband is the best, but really Steve is the best and since you are not lucky enough to be married to him, you will just have to take my word for it.

These past few months in having Z has revealed a whole new side of Steve. For any who know him, you will know that he does not typically do very well with change. Especially change that comes quickly. In fact, he really trys to avoid sudden changes. So being chosen to be parents and then becoming those parents in a little over 48 hours might be considered by some to be a "quick change." I however, revel in quick change, almost like being on a roller coaster. "What a great ride," I think and then afterwards look back on the coaster and think, "What was I thinking, that looks terrifying, I just did that?"

To my great surprise, Steve has reveled this time. Not only during the weekend that we met Norma and then welcomed Z into our lives but has continued to shine over the past 6 months. I end many days thinking or saying, "I thought I would be better at this whole mother thing." Then I think, "Why aren't you struggling more with all of this change? You are the one that usually freaks out and I get to be the calm, comforting one." Anyway, to say the least, he has been the calm one and it has been wonderful. I love watching him play with Z, or feed him, or rock him to sleep, or bath him, or carry him around talking to him about everything in site.


#5 We are preparing to host not two but three families (Steve's, Norma's, and mine) over Labor Day weekend for Z's blessing and sealing. We are so excited to have some many people in town. Most of Steve's family has never met Z or Norma and her family. Several people that we don't get to see very often are coming. We realized I while back that Z loves a crowd, the more action and people to watch the better. He just loves all the excitement and seems to enjoy a lot of attention. We think he takes after me in this way. People, people, people, we love people. Watching him grow and develop is starting to reveal just how much he is like us. He is very curious like Steve. He studies new things constantly, new sounds, lights, objects, and he watches us do everything. It's so fun to watch him and show him new things. Just today I was playing on the floor with him showing him the handles on our armoire and how they worked while he watched in fascination at the sound they make.