Thursday, October 29, 2009

Too Good To Be True


So I've already been in bed tonight all ready to go to sleep for work tomorrow. But I just can't sleep thinking of Norma. I know many of you are probably sick of hearing me talk about how wonderful she is to me, so you can skip this. In fact, right now I have some of the cutest Halloween pictures and stories to tell about Zad's first Halloween. But for tonight that will have to wait.

Tonight was our ward's Halloween Trunk or Treat. I invited Norma at the last minute a few nights ago not knowing if she would want to come but she did, so she did; get it? Afterwards we came back here and bathed and dressed Zad for bed. She wrestled him in his pre-bed wild state for a while before she left and for some reason I started asking her some questions about if she missed being his mother. She said, "yes." I asked her a few more questions and we talked for a little bit, the three of us with Pirate Z crawling and climbing around thinking we were all there to entertain him.

Hours later I was rummaging around our pantry when I found a little bottle of Gas-X for babies. I put it there back in January after Norma gave it to me the night she gave us Z. I have glanced at it all year and thought of her but tonight I just stopped and for a moment if felt like my heart stopped too.

I remembered her handing it to me so gingerly after all the hubbub had died down. I remembered her explaining why and how she would give it to him. I didn't get it back then but she was talking to me mother to mother. She had written up a whole list of his likes and dislikes that she had discovered in just his first two weeks of life. I remember thinking, "How could she possibly know all that already?" I didn't get it then but I get it now. She was his mother then and some things mothers just know. I didn't get then how a mother would feel if she were handing off her most cherished piece of herself. How much that mother would want to make sure I knew all I could about him so that I could care for him the best. I remember loving her for her sacrifice but just not understanding really all that she was giving up, I felt numb that night. Really, I felt numb for months afterwards. Numb since that first phone call that there was a girl my age in Queen Creek, who had just decided to place her 10-day old baby boy, and was looking for a couple that was willing to be in an open adoption. I remember for several minutes wondering if I had dreamed it all. It just seemed too good to be true. I just now feel like I might be thawing a bit.

Z and everything that came with him was just such a huge change; along with becoming a mother for the first time I really inherited a wonderful new family. It feels as though I got married again; new man in my life, new family that came with him, new ways of doing everything, new schedules, new career so to speak, blessing and sealing to plan, baby showers, rearranging my house, babysitters, more laundry, baby sized everything, visitors on top of visitors, and then speaking on adoption twice a month or so. And all of that with about 48 hours notice.

Through it all I just didn't get it.... until tonight.

Tonight with just a glance at that bottle of baby drops I felt maybe a little of what Norma felt that night. My heart physically hurt for her again as I realized just how much she gave of herself for him. This time I felt for her not as a person watching another hurt as a bystander, but as a mother. A mother who would send all the instruction and advice she could to give that baby the best she could if she were in my place. My heart aches tonight for that mother. And I'm complaining about not being about to shop at BR anymore? How could I even compare her sacrifice to my inconvenience? Who am I?




Then I think of the Savior and the Father of us all. How grateful I am to have become a mother this way. To see the Savior and His sacrifice and the sacrifice our Father made in a deeper, richer, more vibrant light. To have gained an inkling of Their pain and Their love for me and all of us. To know that They love us even more than Norma and Steve and I combined love Z. It makes me want to do all I can do to live the best life I can, to forgive others, be more patient, more kind, more loving, and give Z the very best of who I am because he deserves nothing less. How blessed we all are and especially me.


Z, Steve, Norma, and all of my family and blessings..... they still seem too good to be true.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Thank You Mayo!



Thank you all for your kind, kind comments on my last post, they are so needed right now! I'm tearing up tonight reading them, so happy to finally be home after a 16-hour day at the hospital! Don't ask. Even though it has been such a long day my heart is still pained thinking about not being an official Mayo RN anymore. Besides the fun money it provided what I will really miss is:

*My patients
It is truly an honor to be there in what often is a persons most trying moments. I have learned so much about myself and grown so much taking care of these people. It's hard to be a cancer nurse, organ transplant nurse and not get involved and grow to love them. I believe I will be a better mom because of what I have learned being a nurse.

*My dear friends
Something happens between people that truly bonds them in a way when they work so hard to achieve the same difficult, sometimes intense goal) These friends have really been a second family to me and have cared for me in some of my lowest moments. You have also made me laugh harder, dance crazier, and sing the songs from the Sound of Music more then when I was a teenager (although I never sang those songs as a teenager). I love you all.

*Pushing myself harder physically, emotionally, and mentally all in a day than I ever have anywhere else. Although something tells me I may be doing more of this in my future.

*My fantastic Mayo Insurance
I have never had it so good medically before. I believe Mayo will always be my #1 choice for quality health care. What a blessing that turned out to be the last few years! Most recently the very appreciated adoption reimbursement! Thank you Mayo!

For all of those reasons and the fab cranberry chicken salad in the cafeteria I will miss you Mayo!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Ch Ch Changes!


So....I QUIT MY JOB!!! Yes tomorrow will be my last scheduled day to work. I am going "supplemental" after tomorrow. Basically I will only be working a little here and there, maybe only twice a month! Just enough to keep my license and skills current. Sorry, if I work with you and haven't told you yet, it has been a long and hard decision for me to make.

Steve and I have always planned for me to stay home with our kids one day. We have always had a four door car, lived in at least a 2 bedroom home, and only made financial decisions that Steve could support on his own without me working. Still, it is a huge change for us and for me, more specifically. I have been in a little bit of shock making this big change, "little bit" would probably be an understatement. I absolutely love my job. I love being a nurse and I even more love being a nurse at Mayo. I love just about everything about it. In fact there is very little I would change; like I would move Mayo to Mesa and be able to be in two places at once. At home with Z and at work with my patients. I love both so much except I love being at home with Z just a little bit more.

The first night I met Norma one of the questions she asked me was whether I would work or stay home as a mom. I answered as we had always planned, "I'll be staying at home with our kids." It's all I ever wanted really and what I have wanted long before I wanted to be a nurse. But life had other plans for me and becoming and working as a nurse has been a dream I never knew I had. One I never knew I would love so much. Working at Mayo has been even better, its an ideal place to work as a nurse. However, it's a season in my life I feel has passed. Now is the season of motherhood for me. It has been a bitter sweet change at times.

So to celebrate my new season I went fabric shopping the other day. I am all stocked up to make Z into the cutest, scariest little pirate for Halloween, I wanted him to be Michael Jackson in Thriller, SteveO said "no way." So it's going to be a pirate. Plus in memory of the stockings my grandma made for her kids and my mom made for us, I bought red felt! I can hardly wait to see the new versions kicked up a notch hanging on my mantel! I will post a pic, I promise!

So with the job, goes the "fun" money I used to provide. Which means goodbye to my monthly massages, my extra gym membership with the pool, my twice a month housekeeper (yes, its true...a little secret I have kept; Julia and crew I will and have already been dearly missing you), and most painfully leaving is my obsession with Banana Republic and Nordstrom. There, its all out there, all my quiet little secrets I have told almost no one! I have felt a little ashamed about all of it but have loved every bit of it.

Dear Z,
I love you very, very much. You are worth every bit of personal sacrifice and comfort I am giving up to be with you full time.

Love,
Your New 24/7 Mommy
XOXO *Kisses to your adorable plump cheeks*