Haven't I grown up yet?

Our Baby Bubba, wearing the tie I made him for Valentine's Day.



Do you ever have days when you wonder if you will ever feel on top of it all again? You, know...confident, calm, like you are conquering your life, you have everything under control?

Why in the world did I think I could take on a sewing job in the middle of all I'm doing? Like working two days a week (two very long days a week), planning a couple of big adoption events, which by the way I am the chair of the outreach committee for the Mesa FSA chapter (happy about this but it's a lot), planning for baby boy #2 due to arrive sometime early June, being a ward missionary (yeah...we had our 2nd baptism last Sunday), decorating the "boys room" (I love having a boys room), oh and keeping up with a house and a husband and our adorable little toddler (he started walking in the past 3 days, its been so fun to cheer him on). But what was I thinking? Making two French military coats for Les Miserables??? Come on, I'm 33, I should know better by now.

So I found myself thinking this afternoon....remembering those days of feeling like I had it all together. What does "having it all together" even mean? I surely don't know, at least I don't know it like I used to think I knew it. And I thought we were supposed to get better with age....

Parents for 1 Year!

So most couples celebrate their babies birthdays, we will too. But we, Steve and I, also get to celebrate many other special days, placement days. Today marks one year since our precious, full of life, little boy was placed with us. It was a day I know I will never forget. A day filled with a lot of emotions, most of them bittersweet. Bittersweet with maybe a tad more sweetness is what I feel today too.

Here are some of my thoughts I wrote a year ago about today:

I can't believe...I think I am going on day 5 since we met Zadok and I am still crying over the miracle he is to us. I am soooo tired today, but sooooo happy. Steve and I just keep looking over at each other in an exhausted stupor and smiling at one another while one of us is holding him.

I have so much to tell you about, first Monday the 2nd, his Placement Day. Wow, I don't think I have even begun to process that night, all I know is that it was wonderful and better than I ever imagined. The night could not have gone better. Norma looked beautiful and radiant as she walked in with that precious child, tears streaming down her face. I was worried and as I hugged her asked if she were ok, she said she was just so happy and felt good which then made me happy. I could not be happy without knowing she felt this was right.

TODAY is the day, one year ago, that I knew that we were to have a baby very soon!

AND guess what else, we have numero dos on its way, courtesy of our new friend Hannah! You guessed it Lindsay, my dear cousin who is probably at this moment holding her own new little package, Lillie.

Wow, today I have been filled with so many thoughts and emotions. The main thing that has been on my mind is Norma and how she is doing. This time last year she was searching faithfully for something I know she hoped she would never find; me and Steve. After knowing her for almost a year now, I can honestly say, she is the bravest person I know. Not only is she brave but so incredibly faithful and obedient to what the Lord asked of her that even know when I think of myself in her situation I wonder if I would have had her strength. It brings me to tears every time I stop and think about what she did for my son. She gave him to me and to Steve; the people in her mind she thought would be the best for her precious baby. That thought still humbles me more than anything ever has.

What a year it has been. Today, and for the past couple of weeks we have been sick at our house with an annoying cold that just doesn't seem to leave. I watched The Family Man today. A 90's movie I think about a successful man who has his dream job and pretty much every worldly good he hoped he would ever have who then wakes up to a wife, two kids, living in the suburbs, and selling tires. By the end of the movie he's back in his original life trying to get back to the life he never dreamed of, the one with his wife and kids.

It reminded me a little of me this last year. So many times I have awoken and thought "How did I get here? Just x number of months ago I was..." So many times I've thought I was working at one of the best hospitals in the world with cancer patients (who I still love), living more comfortably than I ever thought I would, going on business trips with Steve, several vacations a year, my house was almost always clean, my body was in great shape, I had plenty of time for friends and shopping, and sleeping, and pampering myself. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but it's all true, that was my life. It sounds wonderful and it was in some ways but really it was all something I would have given up in a second for just one baby. I just never knew all those years of wishing I could trade it all in a heartbeat would actually be the way it would happen, almost overnight, two nights to be exact.

A year ago tonight I received a blessing from my brother and my husband and I just knew that we were getting a baby "very soon." Those words "very soon" I heard in my head as clearly as I heard the words, "You are going to marry this guy," when I was holding Steve's hand and we walked onto Temple Square for the first time almost 15 years ago. Very soon was right, we had our baby Bubba just 6 days later.

Today I thought about that trade and although it hasn't been an easy one, I really do have the life of my dreams. Z's spit up on the rug, toys strewn all over the house, drool and remnants of a snotty nose on my sleeve; all of it really is my hearts desire. Funny I know, but that little man makes my heart soar.