Oh For Fun!!

So... my cousin has this fun post on her blog that I am posting here. It's kind of a game for us "blogger" types. Here's how it works: the first FIVE people to respond to this post will get something made by me personally. What I make is my choice, but it will be made JUST FOR YOU! My choice. For you. However, like all things that sound too good to be true :), this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- There is no guarantee that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you personally.
3- It will be completed sometime this year. :)
4- You will receive no clues as to what it's going to be. I'll let you post a request of some sort with your comment, but still... it could be anything!
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange if I so desire... it may blow your mind! Or it may not. It may be very simple and predictable... but hopefully you will benefit from it!

And like most things that sound too good to be true, there is a catch. You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same deal to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. Not too bad, huh? In fact, I think it'll be a lot of fun!!

So-- on your mark, get set, GO! The first 5 people to leave a comment telling me they posted this on their blog and want to win a free, FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift from me will receive just that!!! **Remember: You have to tell me in your post that you've posted this on your blog before you can be guaranteed one of the five slots!** Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it! Fun, fun!! My grandma always says that, "Oh for fun!"

Open Adoption

I will be the first to admit, two years ago when we knew we would some day adopt, the thought of an open adoption was the last thing I wanted. It actually scared me a little. We had spent 11 years in effort to have our own children. Our final effort was a quick, routine surgery to check out my insides. Forty-five minutes of some dye running through my fallopian tubes to clear them and make sure they functioned the way they needed too and a look at my uterus, just making sure all was well.

It was anything but well. After surgery at age 2, 4, 16, 18, and 21 to cure me of cancer and removal of its resulting scar tissue growth, here I was at 30 hoping and praying this would result in my version of a happy ending. It was November 2006, I had the surgery two days before Thanksgiving (I had the holiday off and decided to take full advantage of it). I remember vaguely Steve driving me home and delicately telling me I was full of scar tissue...everywhere. Scar tissue=no baby.

Surprisingly I wasn't sad...that night and for several nights after. We headed to Flagstaff for Thanksgiving and that very holiday morning awoke early to a wet shirt. I went to the bathroom to quietly check things out so I wouldn't wake Steve and there it was...a green, wet shirt. I knew right away what it was, really really bad. The small incision made in my belly button was leaking and I could see a greenish outline under my skin. I called the on call nurse who told me to take my pain medication and call the next day if I still had green, smelly goo coming from the hole in my belly button. Thankfully I knew better and woke up Steve and my parents and asked them to take me to the hospital.

To make things short, I was soon life-flighted to Phoenix in a snazzy helicopter with my brother Mac (they thought Steve and my dad were too tall to fit, not realizing Mac is only a little shorter). I was met by doctors who I knew and had worked with (I love them, but that's another story). They spent five hours on Thanksgiving day cleaning me out and repairing my small intestine which had numerous small holes in it from the previous surgery. All went well considering the damage that had occurred and bonus for my family, they all got to eat Thanksgiving dinner at Mayo Clinic (I know you think that's bad, but you really should try it, you would be surprised)!

Recovery was tough (both physically and spiritually). Dealing with an ailing body (again) and the idea of not bearing my own children was almost all I could bear. In the resulting months I had my stomach cut open 3 more times (while I was awake this time) to clean out infection and help it heal right. I had a woundvac hooked up to my tummy (something everyone should try at least once), and had many visits from a variety of interesting home health nurses. Mercifully the Lord blessed me greatly during this time, in many ways but two in particular.

First, I had the distinct impression from my Aunt Lucy that I would adopt children just as she did. It was an incredible blessing that has continued on. Second, my dad donated one of his kidneys to my mom's mom in January 2007 and needed to stay close to Mayo so he stayed with us for a month while he recovered along with me. I will never forget how much this helped me. It is a rare thing to get to spend everyday doing little more than eating Ding Dongs and watching The Price Is Right for an entire month with your dad. I will forever treasure that time with him.

By April of 2007 we had our mountain of adoption papers and painfully got through them and finally turned in by January 2008. We went to several classes and workshops regarding adoption and all that goes with it. The most memorable was meeting and hearing the story of birthmom Tamra.

Something began to happen, adoption was already changing me. I started to feel differently about the whole process, I was so excited I was getting the chance to adopt! I felt at some point during that painful year of mourning the loss of carrying and bearing a child that I was feeling that pain for a reason, and it was incredible pain. Far worse than any physical pain I have had. But I was feeling it so that I would have an understanding of what a birthmom would someday experience over a child for me.

I felt I had lost several things: the power to create a child, my healthy body (I had worked it over and was in the best shape I had been since high school), I felt all alone at times, one of my favorite doctors (who had carried me in a sense through my own personal nightmare) moved, and some of my family relationships were strained which is awful especially when they were the only family I felt I had at the time.

Finally, after that year I felt I was beginning to heal (in every way). Adoption was changing me, the Lord was changing me and I was so grateful. I needed to change. I started to see the atonement of Jesus Christ differently, I started to see and feel just how he had suffered for me. And I was so thankful for Him. I just wanted to be and do whatever He would have me do to be better, and not just in hopes that He would repay me with a baby. I just wanted to be the person He wanted me to be for His sake, because I felt so indebted to Him and because I wanted to show my love for Him and the sacrifice He had made for me. I began to see the Plan of Happiness as I never had before. I was beginning to understand that I did not need a baby to be happy, He had already provided me everything I needed to be happy...His life and His death were all I really needed. And from this, EVERYTHING began to look, sound, and feel different to me.

Fast forward to January 30, 2009...the day I met Norma. I had already developed a great love for birthmoms after meeting several and hearing their stories. I just loved them and knew when I met mine I would love her as I had never loved anyone. It quite simply is just a different kind of love, but so intense and deep I know only God could describe it. When she told us she had chosen us the next morning, I could do nothing but cry. I just could not and still can not understand what love she must have for this precious little boy to willingly give him to us. HOW in the world could I just say, "Thanks for the baby, we hope your life is happy, see ya." What person would not want to be life long buddies, friends, and pals with someone so amazing? What parent would not want that person to play a role in this precious child's life? What better example of love, sacrifice, humility, faith, obedience, and willingness to follow the Lord could I give this child than the Savior himself?

People keep asking me how often, how long, do I have keep having visits with the birthmom? I want to say first of all, her name is Norma and she is more than amazing, she is one of the greatest people I believe I will ever have the privilege of knowing. Zadok aside I want her in my life. I can not even say her name without a tear coming to my eye or my heart feeling all soft and warm for what she has done for Zadok and Steve and me. She is the hero in this story, she is what makes me cry as I am on my knees in gratitude to the Lord. I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you that I never carried and bore this child because I GET to adopt him!

Adoption is such an amazing gift, surely something this wonderful could never be second best to being a biological link to a child. After all, don't we all come from the same place? All linked to the same Heavenly Father? All spiritually linked ourselves? Zadok is seen by some as "given to us" by someone else, but are we not all of us entrusted to earthly parents by God himself, no matter what path we may take to get there? How could one path ever be better than another? Surely adoption was always a part of His plan to create families. What an incredible blessing we have been given to be chosen for this path. I would have it no other way. I love you Norma, can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Check THIS out!!

Check out what we did last weekend and leave me a comment will you! After several days of looking at these photos I can actually make it through them without crying.

Today was the first time I left the house alone in two weeks (it felt sooo good) since we received our precious little Zad. Louie Armstrong's What a Wonderful World came on the radio and I found myself crying all over again and almost turned around just to hold him and kiss him. He is such a wonderful baby and Steve is an amazing father...I'm in awe watching him lately. I feel like I am falling for him all over again. He has been staying up or getting up with Zad every night, wouldn't you love him too?

Happy Valentine's Day to the sweet boys I live with now. I love you both so much!

Our 1st Week as a Family

This week has been so many things: wonderful, overwhelming, exhausting, and seeing the hand of the Lord in our lives everyday. I started a very detailed post all about my feelings and the events of this last week...I'm still working on it and will post it later but here's a quick recap.

Zad and I took several naps together in my favorite chair, Grandma Dutton took several pics of him the his first morning with us, and my long time faithful visiting teacher Alicia came for a visit.

This my absolute favorite sleeping position he works himself into. He maneuvered into it during one of his naps on his first full day with us and I had to catch a quick pic. I still love it, maybe even put it as my new background.

Flowers arrived from several people; Steve's work buddies, Great-Grandma and Grandpa Frost, and Steve's sister Becky and her family (yes, the one with 5 boys, 4 years-old and under)! They are all so excited to meet our new little guy and all of Becky's boys were happy to learn their first cousin had finally arrived.

These flowers are from G&G Frost.

We took several more naps together...I love him laying on my chest while we sleep. You would think I would be more rested but no, I am still wanting more sleep. But how can I possibly sleep when all I want to do is look at my beautiful new babe.

Zadok had his first bath at our house. Norma was right, he hates to be cold and cried through most of it but that is about the only time he cries....yes we know we are lucky. Doesn't he have such a cute little body, I love it! We spared him the full nudey shots.

Zad's hair has to be one of his best features right now, it is GLORIOUS! I say this because I have very thin baby-like hair, he probably already has more than me. I love combing it, brushing it, and yes I even gave him his first mohawk! I had to, besides it fits him when he's in his little surfer outfit (pics are coming).

His hair feels like downy feathers...seriously. I love burping him and feeling it against my cheek. My brothers started calling him Zadok Black Feather this week. It is just so silky and soft and beautifully black and thick. I have been underestimating how much baby shampoo it needs and have to go back for some more. It is board straight until it gets wet and then it curls.

My cousin Jenni drove all the way from Salt Lake to be here for his placement Monday night. She is a NICU nurse at University of Utah Hospital.

Zad checked out and she said he was a very healthy boy but thought he was HUGE after taking care of all those little babies. We hope she moves closer so we can start taking hikes with her.

Two of my favorite Young Women Karlee and Shannon dropped by with their moms. I had Karlee and Shannon when they were Beehives. I can't believe they are both driving now! I also took a trip to New York City with these girls and their moms in '05 so really they all feel more like my sisters. I love these girls and really loved Zad.

Of course the week would not be complete without a visit from our Mesa cousins. Blake, Kayla, and Elizabeth take dibs on who gets to hold him first and they all have to have the same amount of turns holding him. This is only the 2nd boy cousin on my side; Steve is already excited to wrestle with Blake and Zad.

I woke up to this the 2nd morning we had him and my heart melted. I've always loved those sleeping pictures of dads with their babies and here they were...my two handsome boys.

These pictures are for Sue (Norma's mom). She is Irish and when Steve and I saw this we had to buy it. Yes, he's Irish and we smother him in kisses everyday.

We had our first visit with Norma. Mexican food at Abuelos, YUM! She held him all through lunch and gave us a chance to eat. Unfortunately, he has not figured out how to be awake during the day and asleep at night and slept for all four hours we were there! I think Steve and I have adapted more to his sleeping schedule than he to us.

Grandma Dutton visited again (thank you Mom) and my friend Jen flew down from Salt Lake to take lots and lots of pictures. We had him nude for most of the shots and because he hates to be cold so much we pulled out the space heater to keep him warm and happy. In fact he got so warm Steve noticed his little buns getting red and realized he was probably a little too warm! Norma came too, so we will be posting some of those in a week or so. I can hardly wait to see them. If you want to see some of her amazing work, check out her website link on the right Beyond Beautiful Photography (my name, not hers).

Zad and Dad chillaxed a lot this week together. Steve introduced him to all his favorite cooking shows and lots of basketball. Zad's fingers are longer than his palm right now so Steve's already talking about him palming a basketball at 5!

Steve took 4 weeks off (thank you, thank you, thank you Schwab) for lots of bonding time and lots of help for me. I know it was a stretch to cover for him at work, so thank you Schwabies! Steve is great, keeping bottles clean, getting up at night, and dancing with him around the house. I love watching them together and I love being boy trapped (as any 5-year-old will call it) again!

Thoughts on Norma tonight...

I am soooo exhausted, happy, emotionally drained, and gleefully happy every time I look at my new baby all at the same time tonight.

I was just leaving a little note to Norma (wow even writing her name makes my heart swell) and I thought I would let all of you in on a few of my personal thoughts I am feeling for her tonight.

"Just wanted you to know tonight that I think of you constantly, every time I look at Z the image of your smiling face with tears streaming as you walked into my house Monday night comes to mind and my heart feels as though it will burst with love for you. I asked myself tonight who I thought I had grown to love more in the last 5 days since I met you, you or Zad? And then thought I am so grateful for Heavenly Father cause he allowed my heart to grow bigger than I ever thought a heart to grow, I love you both so much. My old heart could not have contained it. I love you with my giant heart, all of its new size and all and Z just as much. Yes, I think I have a Grinch heart now, you know the kind that breaks the little measuring tool they use to measure hearts in that movie, the original? I just hope I wasn't that awful before I met you.

Thinking of you tonight..."

And he shall be called Zadok

Angie is letting me, Grandma Dutton, update her blog while she gets ready today! They have decided to name the baby Zadok Paul Owensby. Norma chose the middle name of Paul after her beloved brother, and Angie and Steve want to keep this name as a tribute to her. Zadok is the name of Angie's great-great-great grandpa Zadok Knapp Judd. Zadok Knapp Henry Judd crossed the plains with the pioneers searching for a place where they could practice their religion without persecution. He also marched with the Mormon Battalion in the Mexican-American War before he married. His wife Mary Minerva Dart crossed the plains as a little girl, and watched her mother and brother die from cholera. They were married in Salt Lake, and were called to settle southern Utah. In their life together they moved and settled more than 15 times, often in frigid winter weather. Zadok and Mary buried 7 babies and adopted 3 native American children. We have often walked the beautiful cemetery in Kanab, Utah and read the inscription on his tombstone "Prepare to Meet us in Heaven."

Surprise Surprise Surprise

This is the song that I woke up with running through my head this morning..."Open up your heart and you'll find love, love, love." Love for so many I feel today, here's our weekend!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing our weekend has been. All within 24 hours (literally) we went from trying to get our pictures resized for the new website for our adoption profile, to getting a phone call from our friend and birthmom case worker, to then meeting a birthmom and her family a few hours later, to then having a wonderful chance to seen her again the next morning, to finding out SHE CHOSE US!!!!

Here is a quick recap of our morning yesterday, pic style.


Our beautiful nieces Elizabeth and Kayla anxiously awaiting the birthmom, birthgrandma, and of course the baby.


Me, feeding our NEW LITTLE ONE for the first time!! I still can't believe he will be ours ON MONDAY!!!!!


My dad with him...


I don't even have the words....just tears.


Elizabeth and her new little cousin!! She has waited for so long for us to have a baby!! In fact I sit here this morning remembering all the times holding her and pretending in my heart that she was ours. Watching her grow up Steve and I have always been so fascinated with her as she is the oldest grandchild on both sides just like both of us were. I can't believe we will not have to pretend anymore!! It is truly surreal.


This is one of my favorite pictures. She kept saying things this weekend like, "So you are preparing to be a new mother?" Then right before they left she asked, "So do you get to keep him?" I didn't know what to say except, "I hope so, we will see!"


This is our new sister Norma. She will never know how much we have to come to love her in the last two days. Not only for the beautiful, amazing little baby she is entrusting us with but because she is truly a wonderful woman who follows the Spirit of the Lord and is willing to sacrifice everything she loves for the life of her son. Words can not express how much I admire and love her for her courage and amazing faith is us. I have spent so much time praying the last two days that we will be able to live up to all she wants us to be for him and all the Lord expects us to be. Please pray for us, her, and her amazing family.