Our Wonderful Life

Merry Christmas 2010

2010-12-02T17:26:00.002-07:00

Learning to Love My Hair Too

2010-11-08T16:06:00.006-07:00

My nieces, Ella and Galey

Just last night my brother told me about this story.
The Sesame Street Song "I Love My Hair"
sensation that has been posted all over Facebook was written by an adoptive dad! Leave it to an adoptive dad to write a song to help his daughter realize just how special she is in every way.

Truth be told, I have wanted hair just like this since I was in the first grade and met a girl named Crystal who was in kindergarten.
I wanted her hair and her name, I thought both were wonderful.
Lucky for me, my brother married Crystal's sister so I still get to see Crystal and now I have nieces whose hair I can play with!
I'm still learning to love my baby fine, blond strands.

Galey with newborn Zad and my niece Elizabeth looking on at Z's placement.

Ella and Casey with newborn Zad with my brother Tommy and Norma's sister Monica and Lia
looking on at Zadok's placement.

Mama Ella with newborn Ike in Flagstaff this last summer

Soon.....Very Soon!

2010-11-06T04:50:00.002-07:00

Almost your turn Ike!

Steve, me, and Zad outside the Mesa, AZ Temple the day he was sealed to us!

Strong Women

2010-11-04T13:00:00.001-07:00

These are my birth mamas; Hannah and Norma.
Actually they are respectively Ike's and Zadok's birth mothers.

Hannah, me, and Norma on Ike's Placement Day

But I like to refer to them as my birth mother's as well, as I so clearly and apparently a little possessively stated to Mrs. R a few weeks ago at our adoption conference.
But that is another story (an embarrassing one) and after a summer of truly sticking my foot in my mouth, one that I am not ready to tell publicly yet. See me in person for the low down!

This picture was taken on Ike's placement day just a little while before Hannah sweetly and tearfully signed her rights to be his mother over to me.
It is always a sacred moment.

It's a moment when a thousand images and memories of myself flood my mind. I try to take in the fact that I will forever be this child's mother.
In that moment I want to be everything I think that little boy will ever need and everything I think he deserves.
In that moment I feel very weak and very inadequate.

All summer I have barely even been able to look at this picture, knowing it would bring on a flood of emotions. These two women chose me to be the mother to their precious sons. My partners, to give these baby boys the best we each can.
Yes, Steve is there too, don't think I'm letting him off the hook.
But really, I feel so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father that I have each of these women in my life. That I am not alone in doing what is best for them.
They inspire me to be a better mother on a daily basis.

In moments where I feel weak, out of patience, tired, cranky and ready to lose it on some days, I think of them. I think of each of those women of strength; Norma and Hannah. How they willingly chose something better. They each have made me a better mother.
What insight the Lord had when He designed this plan, He knew what I needed.
I needed these strong, brave women, close to me to show me the way.

Hannah with Ike and Norma with Zad

After adopting Zadok, I had and still have a hard time understanding how Norma chose us essentially, to take her place. I feel the same about Hannah. I always want to ask, but never do, "Are you sure?" Not Steve so much, but me, are you sure?

After Zadok was placed with us, I started to see motherhood and becoming a mother through adoption very differently. When a baby is formed and grows in your own body, Heavenly Father has placed that child there. He has chosen you. True that's it's also just a fact of the birds and the bees, but after trying for 11 years, I strongly believe heaven plays a big role in it as well.
Our Father in Heaven who can see us clearly for all that we are and all that we lack has chosen that woman to do what she feels is in the best interest of that child.
For most, that is to become a mother to that child.

Open adoption is entirely different, mortals dealing with mortals.
Each with their own history, experiences, and let's just say baggage.
Yet it seems that for a time at least, we are all able to see each other as God sees us.
This is truly is one of the miracles of adoption.
One I never saw coming until I was in it. A chance to see these amazing women as God sees them.
Let me tell you, they are beautiful!
Beautiful in a way that maybe only a few can see. But let me just say this, if you could see them as I do, you would stand in amazement and then kneel in humility for just the opportunity to know them.

Hannah holding Ike moments before signing.

Two Adoption ROCK STARS....and I Know Them!!!

2010-11-03T17:00:00.010-07:00

Audra, Steve holding new little Zadok, me, and Sharon at Zadok's placement in February 2009

Audra and Sharon have both been our case workers for our two adoptions.
They both are rock stars in our book.

Audra and her husband have been our friends since about 2001, is that right Audra?
We met them when we were all in the same ward and Audra and I both served with the young women. We developed quite a friendship with them and have some crazy memories.
We all ditched out on a ward Christmas party long ago to go see The Ring, something I still regret (I hate scary movies).
We drove all night the day after Christmas one year to go to Magic Mountain and then all four of us stayed in the same hotel room.
Another time, we crammed ourselves and another couple into a van filled with poles for a huge canopy for 5 hours to Mexico. Steve somehow injured his back on that trip and limped like a crippled up zombie the whole week. Audra had her hair braided into corn rows and I bought a mini accordion which her husband played I'm A Child of God on endlessly and then offered it up as a bribe at the border. Crazy fun times with those two.

When Steve and I attended the Families Supporting Adoption Conference in August 2008, we met up with Audra whom we hadn't seen in about 2 years. We were thrilled to learn she had just taken a job with LDS Family Services as a case worker; we thought for sure she could lead us to our baby. Five months later, she introduced us to Norma after Norma had interviewed another couple that didn't feel quite right. Two days later we were parents.

We met Sharon at Zadok's placement.
After his placement I started doing outreach events with Norma.
Sharon, Norma and I; sometimes with another birth mom or two would speak in high school or college classes about our experience in an effort to educate and promote a positive view of adoption. Sharon, who was at the time our case worker kept asking if we were going to be ready to adopt again.
I said yes even though at the time I really didn't think anything would come of it so soon.

Last December I attended Pamper Night at the birth parent group with Norma and Zadok. It's a night when the birth parents are pampered with massage, manicures, jewelry making, fun crafts and yummy food often provided by adoptive moms and other adoption workers.
Even before I started going with Norma it was a night I never missed, I love it. It gives me a chance to get to know birth moms and show my appreciation for them.
Hannah and I met and visited for a little while that night without either one of us knowing the other was looking. When Sharon asked her if she felt a connection with anyone, she said, "Yes that blond girl was really nice and her little boy is so cute." Thank you Zada!
I guess Zadok had been flirtin' it up with Hannah that night; raising one eyebrow, flashing his big grin and big brown eyes, and patting her tummy.
Hannah took it as a sign and Sharon thought we were a great fit.
Six months later Hannah and I were in the operating room holding hands as Ike was born.

Sharon really went above and beyond for all of us during those six months of waiting for Ike. In June Audra and Sharon were both there with us again at Ike's placement.

What a blessing case workers are! These two are especially amazing. In the time we have been involved with LDS Family Services they have started the birth parent group which has given support to many, many birth moms, birth dads (yes I have met a few there) and their families. This group takes a yearly retreat together, which I can only imagine as being incredibly fun and uplifting.
Each week they meet to give each other support, discuss resources and talk about all the aspects of single parenting, adoption, and getting married as options.
Recently the group has grown so much, they have started a second!
Isn't just what you would want if you were dealing with an unplanned pregnancy?

If you are interested in being a part of this group in any way you can go here for more info.

Thank you Audra and Sharon for helping us grow our family and giving such great support and love to all the birth parents you come in contact with.
We love you!

Some of my Favorite Adoption Books For Children

2010-11-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have been collecting adoption books for about 3 years now.
I used to go out and buy childrens books for years while we were trying to conceive as a way to cope and then I started buying adoption books while we were looking for our birth moms.
It was very comforting to sit in a bookstore and then at home reading them and imagining myself reading to my children. Isn't it fun when dreams come true?
Here's a very short list. I would love to know what yours are.

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis
One of my favorites by far. I still can't get through this one without crying. I think it gives an accurate look of how excited adoptive parents are when they find out they have been chosen and get to go get their baby. This book has great illustrations that are funny and heart warming without giving a negative impression of the birth parents (one of my biggest peeves about adoption books for children).

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis
This is a great book for anyone adopting from China as it is very specific to China. I like that it mentions the birth mom respectively and talks about the long journey it is to adopt.

A Mother For Choco by Keiko Kasza
I have mixed feelings about this book. I love that it shows that adoptive parents and their children do not have to look like one another to be in the same family. It approaches the subject in a way I think young children can understand by having the characters of the book as different animals. For obvious reasons, I hate the title and the first part of the story of the "child" played by a bird going around looking for a mother as if adopted children are simply abandoned. I believe even in countries where children are in orphanages or foster care no mother simply walks away from her child.

Little Miss Spider by David Kirk
This book is from a series of books about Miss Spider and I really appreciate that the author chose to focus one of the books on adoption. It's a great story about a little spider looking for the right home, I like this even though I don't believe it's very accurate. Most children or babies have many caring adults helping to make that decision. My only complaint about this book is the last page which says, "For finding your mother, there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best." Cute rhythm but extremely offensive, especially to those of us involved with open adoption. I don't think anyone would or should attempt to measure who has the greatest love for a child, especially those children lucky enough to be part of an adoption. These children have many, many people in their lives that love them far beyond what someone could call the best. Children of adoption are often loved from afar by people they may never meet or see that often but none the less that love is deep and undying.

The Best For You by Kelsey Stewart
I don't actually have this book (hint, hint for anyone out there looking for Christmas gift for our family....Mom, Dad, Diane?) I have not even read this book but I have heard many rave about how wonderful it is, not to mention it is written from an LDS perspective. I had hoped to win it in the raffle at the Southwest Regional Families Supporting Adoption Conference a few weeks ago, but alas I did not. AGAIN, hint, hint.....but I know my mom won't even read this till February. Love you Mom!

National Adoption Month!

2010-11-01T10:12:00.001-07:00

Zadok's adoption finalization last year

Guess what? It's officially the start of
National Adoption Month!
That's right, every
November is National Adoption Month
right here in the United States.

National Adoption Day this year is November 20. On National Adoption Day (which is always a Saturday), juvenile courts all over the country are open to finalize thousands of adoptions! Here in Phoenix, we are expecting to finalize 320 adoptions! It is truly a day to celebrate as families all over the country are being created! You can check out what we will be doing that day here
National Adoption Day in Phoenix, AZ.

So spread the word, it's National Adoption Month! Hooray!

15 Years!

2010-08-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

At a "married" dance at Ricks College a few months after we were married

Yes, it's quite amazing to me, we have been married for 15 years today! We both think it feels more like six. Yet somehow it's been more than double that!

We really only have one tradition on our anniversary, we have done it since our very first anniversary and that is to look back on the last year and each come up with our top five favorite events. We used to do the five best and five worst events of the past year but that got ugly so now we just focus on the positive. :) I wish for anything that I would have recorded these over the years because I am sure they would bring back such great memories that would make us laugh now or maybe cry. Interestingly enough often our favorite events have been some of the hardest, like in '99 when we both listed Steve's plane crash or in '07 when we both cried and talked about finding out we would never have our own biological child. Somehow, those really hard events end up being the best because they always bring us closer together. Last year of course we both listed Zad as our top favorite event, this year I'm sure it will be Ike.

We laid in bed last night reminiscing about how we started out; a car with an oil leak and dead starter that we push started in our wedding clothes at the Buttes on our wedding night after we repeatedly turned down the valet service. The apartment we moved into in Rexburg, ID that was over a dentist office and dance club (only in Rexburg) that cost us $235/month, furnished. That meant a double bed that was broken so bad on one side that usually one of us had fallen out of it by the morning at least once and a loveseat with no legs and so low to the ground that Steve's knees were in his chest when he sat down. The bathtub/shower would leak down to the dentist office which meant that one morning we were told we could not use our bathroom after 9am anymore because it disturbed the patients below. On Friday and Saturday nights the floor would vibrate from the music of the dance club and we watched the OJ Simpson trial wrap up on our 15 inch TV. I remember coming home from class and seeing boxes outside our door filled with china and crystal people had sent as wedding gifts and thinking that somehow those things didn't belong in our 350 square foot ghetto apartment. Thank goodness we only lived there a month before we moved into the government housing of Rexburg. It actually was a huge step up.

In our 2nd apartment in Rexburg
Somehow, here we are 15 years later in a comfortable, quiet home with comfortable furniture, trucks that run well, two college degrees, two secure jobs, and two little boys that look anything but like us! :) We are so blessed and I am so blessed to have had Steve for this whole journey. There is no one I would have rather been with.

Steve is still all the wonderful things he was to me back then only better now. He still tells me he loves me multiple times a day, still pulls me in for big giant bear hugs and long kisses, he still notices any changes I've made to my hair or anything else and almost always loves it, he still whistles when I dress up nice and still loves me with no makeup and in work clothes. He still makes delicious meals every Sunday and helps out around the house with dishes or laundry or whatever he sees that needs to be done. Although what he sees and what I see are a little different..... :)
He still encourages me with anything I want to do and will research or help me find ways to be successful. He still prays with me night and morning, reads scriptures with me, dances with me in the kitchen, somehow gets me to laugh when I'm upset, and holds me when I cry. He still tells me I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. I love him so much, but who wouldn't?

Just before the Valentine's Dance at Ricks College in '95, one of our first dates

I have a doctor that has taken care of me for about 13 years; we first met when I was really sick at 21 and Steve and I had only been married a couple years. Every time he sees me he asks how Steve is and every time I say, "He's the best." One time Dr. Shahon said, "You always say that, he really is the best in your eyes isn't he?" Yes, yes he is.

The first time I became really ill after we were married, we lived in Mesa in a third floor apartment and I was so weak that I couldn't barely make it to the bathroom. He would carry me up and down those stairs for days until I was strong enough again. It was incredibly humbling at age 21; only two weeks before I had run in my first 5K race.

What an amazing 15 years we have had! For all these reasons and a million more I love you Steve, thank you for the happiest years of my life!

In front of my apartment at Ricks College during Mother's Week, where my mom met Steve for the 1st time. Ummm, she wanted him gone!

Have YOU ever thought....?

2010-08-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

Maybe you are married and young and just starting out....

Maybe you are married with a few children....

Maybe your children are already raised but still have more to give to a child....

Maybe you are unable to bear children of your own....

Maybe you feel bearing anymore children would not be good for your health....

Lately, I have been feeling the stirrings in my heart of more children meant for my family. I know, crazy right? We have not even had Ike for 2 months....yet I know there are others out there waiting for us to find one another. Although I don't feel ready to bring them home just now, my heart knows they are there just waiting for their time.

Orphans have been on my mind a lot in the months since the earthquake hit Haiti. So naturally I begin to wonder if I have a child there or somewhere out there living life as an orphan.

There are an estimated 145 million orphans in the world today, with just over 100,000 in the United States. In the U.S. we do not call these children orphans, we call them foster children.

Maybe there is one out there meant for your family...

My Life in a Little Over 3 Minutes

2010-07-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Well, we're a little over a month into having two kids; one on the arm and one under foot. I've started several posts about all the adventures of the last month....they're coming, but for now this pretty much says it all...

Ike Meets Z...and the Family

2010-06-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

I was so happy to have my two boys on my lap, together again at last. From the beginning Hannah and I have talked about how Zadok knew the baby in her tummy. When I had them there together for the first time, I knew this was true.
Without Z, Ike would not be here.
Our little Zadok had a big hand in bringing his baby brother to us.

When I first met Hannah, Z and I were at a the Birth Parent Pamper Night*. I was there not looking to find our next potential birth mom but just so that Norma could have Zadok there and for him to meet/flirt with all the other birth moms there (scary how good he already is at this). ;)

Zadok was there putting the moves on all the girls; making eyes, smiling with all his teeth, and then there was Hannah. He went straight up to her and gave her the biggest grin he has. Amazing the skills he has to get noticed and cause a stir, he was not even 11 months old on this night.
She was a goner and that is how I met Hannah.

I learned that she was due in June and that she had already chosen a couple but they had recently become pregnant with twins and so she was looking again. She didn't waste any time and started asking me questions right away about Steve and Zadok. And the rest I guess, they say is history....and here we are!

Zad and Ike with my mom. She was here for a week and got to stay and play with Z while we were in the hospital; she was such a huge help.

Ike meeting his Mesa Dutton cousins. We are so glad to have them so close to us. Aunt Jenny has become one of Z's favorite people and every time he sees her he wants her to hold and cuddle him.
Elizabeth and Kayla are great babysitters and Blake and Zadok have recently been great wrestling buddies. Soon we will have 4 little wrestling boys between us! Four wrestling boys....hmmmm, somehow that seems very familiar. I love it.

We were so happy to have my dad and my brother Mac down for the weekend and the signing. This looks good on Mac, huh?
He is newly engaged and will be married to the beautiful Carissa in August (good month to be married, I must say). Let's see, if he gets married in August....

Aunt Laurie, what would we have done without her this last week? She played with Zadok, hung out with Steve while I was in the OR with Hannah, stayed and helped all through the signing. Of course loving on my two boys the whole weekend too.

Two boys! I love saying that!

Announcing Baby Ike!

2010-06-14T05:11:00.000-07:00

Isaac James is finally here!

We couldn't be happier!

After our brave Hannah labored intensely for 14 hours she opted for a c-section.

And....I got to go with her!!!!!

My first look at my beautiful new baby. All I could think was, "You are finally here." It feels like we have been waiting another 13 years for this little sweet boy even though it's only been six months.

Yes, that is me cutting the cord!!!
How many moms can say they cut their baby's cord? I'm such a lucky and blessed girl!
It so paid to be a nurse this last week!

Check out those lashes ladies! I'm already jealous!

We made a quick stop on our way to the nursery to see Steve and Hannah's parents. He weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces...which by now he has long passed! He's already at 7'10"!
He's a fantastic eater to say the least and calms so easily. He was 19 3/4 inches long. We just love him and feel like he has always been meant to be with us.

The hospital was very accommodating and even gave us our own room right next to Hannah! We were able to keep him in our room most of the time and really get to know him. What a sweet little spirit he has.
We really feel as though we have known him a long time and that he has been waiting to come be with his big brother Zadok.

We are so blessed. We love you Hannah! Thank you for your sacrifice, we will always thank Heavenly Father for you and your choice.

Hail to My Birth Mothers....You Deserve Every Honor.

2010-05-22T20:34:00.001-07:00

I absolutely had to post this on my blog as soon as I read it. In fact I just finished reading it twice. Once to myself and once aloud to Steve. It is one of the most well written articles I have ever read on adoption and birth mothers.

Thank you Raina Kelley and thank you Newsweek for bringing it to the world. Thank you for saying so clearly what I have felt for years. The next time I try to explain to someone why we chose adoption, why we choose open adoption at that, or why I love my children as if they were born of me I will pull out this article and read it to them. Because my children are born of me, not of my womb but of my heart.

Sometimes, when people ask me why I care so deeply and am so affected by the women who willing place their babies with me I want to ask them to think about how much they love their children. Then ask them that if you were to witness a woman in a state of such humility that she chose to break her own heart to place her child in your arms would your heart not break just a little too? When she tells you that you are the best thing she can imagine for her child, would you not also feel so humble that you hardly feel worthy of the task? Would you not forever after smile when you heard her name, wonder if you in her position would have that kind of strength when you see that child do something great, and when you kneel down to thank your Heavenly Father for that child, could you not also thank Him for her?

Love this article!

Bambino #2....Where are You???? We can't wait!

2010-05-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

So I just have to blog real quick and say how excited I am getting to have a new little baby boy in our house! It has finally hit me! I am getting so EXCITED!!!! We have spent the past few months doing so much prep that I feel like I have just been buried in all the work and worry that comes with adopting a baby but here we are with only a week maybe two to go and I just feel so happy and peaceful and excited!

I am also falling in love with a little toddler I now have, Zadok! He's just so much fun. He has always had a very fun personality, very happy, laid back, and carefree but lately he is just hilarious too. Belly laughing at the funniest things, playing chase with us, and hiding from us to to only jump and out and start laughing again! I love it all!

Zadok will be 16 months tomorrow! Right now he loves toothbrushes, pie pans, swimming, cuddling with daddy, Teddy Grahams, yogurt, any fruit, well actually any food that we are eating. I love him to pieces and worry about splitting my time and attention between two cute boys. Somehow it will all work out.

Here we all are celebrating Birth Mother's Day, the day before Mother's Day (if you don't already know); very appropriate I think since brave women like Norma make motherhood possible for barren women like me....that's supposed to be a little funny. The barren part, not the birth mother part.

We went to Fajitas, our favorite and a tradition we started last year with Norma, even funnier I'm wearing the same dress I did last year, hopefully that won't be a part of the tradition too!

And yes, he had fallen earlier in the day on the pool deck, his second big fall for the day. The first was covered by his voluminous hair.

We celebrated earlier in the day with Hannah at a baby shower, graciously given by Hannah's mother, April. It was so nice to meet all her friends and family who came out and showed their support for Hannah and her incredible decision to place her baby with us.

We love our Norma and we love our Hannah.

Zadok getting his haircut earlier today as we make the final preparations for our new arrival. I can't believe it's coming so soon, and I still have so much to get ready!

Well I'm off to paint the boys room, buy Z some new shoes (one fell off in Walmart yesterday...we've only had them 2 weeks), make and freeze some dinners, and maybe just fit in a massage! Definitely appreciating the not being pregnant part of the last few weeks of preparing for a baby, thank you Hannah! You're really doing the tough work.

Maybe my next post will be about Isaac, or Magnus, or Maksim, or Edgar, or Asher, or....who knows what we will name him!

Can't get enough of this!

2010-03-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

Has there ever been a better commercial? I don't think so.

Multiplying and Replenishing

2010-02-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

So I've been talking with a friend this week about the commandment to multiply and replenish the Earth, or in other words bear children. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints we are commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth with children.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” It goes on to say, "We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

I have always loved these statements addressed to the world. They were received by revelation from God to the the prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, along with the 12 Apostles called for our day. The Proclamation was introduced just a month after Steve and I were married. Recently I have had an even deeper love for the Proclamation on the Family largely because it is one of the reasons Norma felt little Bubba needed to be placed for adoption. It's words have been sweet to me though I am sure they have been bitter at times to any woman facing a unplanned pregnancy. However, I believe in the truthfulness of these words. Now, I read it for inspiration, peace, and to help me make difficult decisions that sometimes taste bitter to me too.

I can understand how the command to multiply and replenish the Earth can be difficult to understand, cause people to feel uncomfortable, and even offended. It is a huge, life long commitment to have a child, one that I believe will take everything of a person when they are seeking the best for that child. But that is exactly what I believe the Lord expects of us, our everything in this life. Whether that is asked of us through our children or simply through our path in life even if we never marry, never have children, or any of the things we may have dreamed of. He still asks for everything, that is the only way we will be able to return to Him.

This is much the way I am feeling about adoption lately. It is asking of me everything I have to offer and much I do not feel I have. Often, when people find out we are adopting or even people who have known us all along will say something like, "You are so lucky not to have to go through pregnancy and labor," or "You get to have kids the easy way. Lucky you." While I do agree with them in part and am very grateful that my body is not the vessel they come through, I still labor in my own way. Only mine is a labor of the heart. I go through times of feeling my heart has great strength and other times I wonder if it is able to handle all that is asked of it.

Satan, I believe, is in many ways doing all he can to prevent children from coming to good families where they can be sealed to their parents. It is a concern that many are having, see this article.

I think for most couples, especially those that have been married in the temple, Satan works on them long before a child is even conceived. Many people worry about finances, education, where they are at in life, the spacing of children, the ages or personalities of the children they already have, or simply they decide to think about it for awhile and therefore put off what the Lord may have them do.

Now let me just say, before I get a bunch of hate mail or dirty looks from my friends at work or church that I do not in any way want to offend anyone or lead anyone to believe I think they should have more children or I think they are wrong for any of the decisions they make concerning children and their family. I strongly believe that those are only decisions that can be made as a couple with thoughtful prayer and that no one, especially me has the right to say what is right or wrong for anyone but myself.

I only bring this up to make the point that most couples I know seem to struggle with the when, how many, etc. of having children while in the adoption world we seem to struggle more with, "please let them just get here." When you have been sealed in the temple and you are expecting a child your worries over whether that child will have the benefits of an eternal family are I think (I have never been pregnant myself) pretty much over. I don't think many worry over that child being sealed to their family even if a miscarriage occurs or even, heaven forbid the child is not blessed with a body able to sustain life. However, this is all I can think about lately.

I want so desperately for this new little baby, planned, as for now to come to our family, just to make here to us so that we can have him sealed to us. I have even thought more recently, "I know I may be heart broken if he does not end up with us but as long as he goes to a family where he can be sealed, my heart will be at peace." I just want that for him so desperately lately...and it seems so difficult and such a long time away. I feel Satan is working so hard right now to keep this from happening. Just as he works on couples questioning and making the tough decisions as to the children they may have, he is working on us to discourage this adoption, from every side it seems.

I feel, more keenly it seems Satan's power against me whenever I am trying to do anything of an eternal nature. When Steve and I were engaged he worked so hard to keep us from the temple in so many ways. In ways I expected, like tempting us to cross the lines of chastity before be were married all the way to things I never expected like, Steve having a deer jump through his driver side window while driving to Arizona just 5 days before we were to be married.

Most recently, the time between receiving Z to the time we were able to take him to the temple to be sealed to us, Satan really worked us! Those 7 plus months were hard! To the point that at about 3 weeks leading up to his sealing, we cut off every bit of the outside world as possible. We turned off absolutely all TV (this is always more difficult for me than Steve), turned off the radio, didn't watch movies (except for Cars one night!), only listened to conference talks, church or classical music, and avoided people or conversations we knew would turn away the Spirit. We made every effort possible to make our home a sanctuary from the world, a place where we could relax and feel the Spirit without having to battle for every minute of peace. That effort proved to be very powerful and very effective. There was no in for Satan, we gave him no opportunity.

Even the morning of driving to the temple I felt anxious and recall 3 close accidents in the truck (I won't say who was driving :)). It was very stormy, rainy, and overcast and recall the feeling of a blanket being placed on us as we drove as though it just calmed us down and protected us. I was so grateful for that feeling.

So here we are again, battling for the eternal life of this little baby boy. Three plus months and counting, waiting anxiously for bambino #2 to arrive. Which brings on the battle of fighting every minute it seems at times, for peace to reign and our hearts to be at rest. Getting him here is the first battle or part of our labor which will lead to the second; the waiting of papers to be signed, attorneys to be notified, court dates to be decided, court dates to be attended, filing of papers to the state, papers to be filled out for the temple, and one big fat check to be signed. It's a battle I grow weary of at times (for several hours just today) and at other times I am ready with my sword to take down anything that may keep this precious child from getting what he deserves, an eternal family.

Months ago when our caseworker (which is how Hannah found us) asked me while we were out speaking on adoption at a community college if we were ready to have another baby come to us. Steve and I had just discussed this just the night before, we would keep our adoption certification current and in February when we could post our profile we would but may not actively start looking. We would take it slow and feel things out. But when she asked if we would be ready at a year, the words, "Yes, we can't wait to have another," just came out! I remember thinking they had come out of some other mouth but my own and I wanted to say, "What are you thinking? I don't think that!" But the moment was gone and I couldn't get those words out! When I came home and told Steve later that night he was able to get them out just fine. :)

We have prayed several times over whether this was the right child, right time, right situation for our family and for this baby. Each time we feel strongly, "yes, keep going, everything will work out, trust me, have faith." It's a feeling neither of us can deny even when times are hard.

If I had not actually got into this work and been called of God, I would back out. But I cannot back out: I have no doubt of the truth.
Joseph Smith, Jr.

Put me in the Zoo!

2010-02-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

So I decided to forget trying to have it all together and just go to the zoo. Our friends have a yearly pass, so we got in for FREE!

Z had a great time, he loved feeding the ducks the most almost as much as watching all the people everywhere. Who says you go to the zoo to see animals, once again I was reminded just how much he loves people. He was a little nervous when we were petting the goats but overall loved his first trip to the zoo.

And, of course we had to finish with a ride on the carousel! Can you tell he was really ready for a nap? Too much to look at to be cranky but those little tired eyes say it all. He was out before we even left the parking lot!

Happy weekend!

Haven't I grown up yet?

2010-02-25T15:56:00.001-07:00

Our Baby Bubba, wearing the tie I made him for Valentine's Day.

Do you ever have days when you wonder if you will ever feel on top of it all again? You, know...confident, calm, like you are conquering your life, you have everything under control?

Why in the world did I think I could take on a sewing job in the middle of all I'm doing? Like working two days a week (two very long days a week), planning a couple of big adoption events, which by the way I am the chair of the outreach committee for the Mesa FSA chapter (happy about this but it's a lot), planning for baby boy #2 due to arrive sometime early June, being a ward missionary (yeah...we had our 2nd baptism last Sunday), decorating the "boys room" (I love having a boys room), oh and keeping up with a house and a husband and our adorable little toddler (he started walking in the past 3 days, its been so fun to cheer him on). But what was I thinking? Making two French military coats for Les Miserables??? Come on, I'm 33, I should know better by now.

So I found myself thinking this afternoon....remembering those days of feeling like I had it all together. What does "having it all together" even mean? I surely don't know, at least I don't know it like I used to think I knew it. And I thought we were supposed to get better with age....

Parents for 1 Year!

2010-02-02T09:32:00.001-07:00

So most couples celebrate their babies birthdays, we will too. But we, Steve and I, also get to celebrate many other special days, placement days. Today marks one year since our precious, full of life, little boy was placed with us. It was a day I know I will never forget. A day filled with a lot of emotions, most of them bittersweet. Bittersweet with maybe a tad more sweetness is what I feel today too.

Here are some of my thoughts I wrote a year ago about today:

I can't believe...I think I am going on day 5 since we met Zadok and I am still crying over the miracle he is to us. I am soooo tired today, but sooooo happy. Steve and I just keep looking over at each other in an exhausted stupor and smiling at one another while one of us is holding him.

I have so much to tell you about, first Monday the 2nd, his Placement Day. Wow, I don't think I have even begun to process that night, all I know is that it was wonderful and better than I ever imagined. The night could not have gone better. Norma looked beautiful and radiant as she walked in with that precious child, tears streaming down her face. I was worried and as I hugged her asked if she were ok, she said she was just so happy and felt good which then made me happy. I could not be happy without knowing she felt this was right.

Awesome Song/Video

2010-01-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

2010-01-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

TODAY is the day, one year ago, that I knew that we were to have a baby very soon!

AND guess what else, we have numero dos on its way, courtesy of our new friend Hannah! You guessed it Lindsay, my dear cousin who is probably at this moment holding her own new little package, Lillie.

Wow, today I have been filled with so many thoughts and emotions. The main thing that has been on my mind is Norma and how she is doing. This time last year she was searching faithfully for something I know she hoped she would never find; me and Steve. After knowing her for almost a year now, I can honestly say, she is the bravest person I know. Not only is she brave but so incredibly faithful and obedient to what the Lord asked of her that even know when I think of myself in her situation I wonder if I would have had her strength. It brings me to tears every time I stop and think about what she did for my son. She gave him to me and to Steve; the people in her mind she thought would be the best for her precious baby. That thought still humbles me more than anything ever has.

What a year it has been. Today, and for the past couple of weeks we have been sick at our house with an annoying cold that just doesn't seem to leave. I watched The Family Man today. A 90's movie I think about a successful man who has his dream job and pretty much every worldly good he hoped he would ever have who then wakes up to a wife, two kids, living in the suburbs, and selling tires. By the end of the movie he's back in his original life trying to get back to the life he never dreamed of, the one with his wife and kids.

It reminded me a little of me this last year. So many times I have awoken and thought "How did I get here? Just x number of months ago I was..." So many times I've thought I was working at one of the best hospitals in the world with cancer patients (who I still love), living more comfortably than I ever thought I would, going on business trips with Steve, several vacations a year, my house was almost always clean, my body was in great shape, I had plenty of time for friends and shopping, and sleeping, and pampering myself. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but it's all true, that was my life. It sounds wonderful and it was in some ways but really it was all something I would have given up in a second for just one baby. I just never knew all those years of wishing I could trade it all in a heartbeat would actually be the way it would happen, almost overnight, two nights to be exact.

A year ago tonight I received a blessing from my brother and my husband and I just knew that we were getting a baby "very soon." Those words "very soon" I heard in my head as clearly as I heard the words, "You are going to marry this guy," when I was holding Steve's hand and we walked onto Temple Square for the first time almost 15 years ago. Very soon was right, we had our baby Bubba just 6 days later.

Today I thought about that trade and although it hasn't been an easy one, I really do have the life of my dreams. Z's spit up on the rug, toys strewn all over the house, drool and remnants of a snotty nose on my sleeve; all of it really is my hearts desire. Funny I know, but that little man makes my heart soar.

Well I did it again....

2010-01-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

This New Years Eve we headed over to Jared and Jenny's for all the evenings festivities; games, food, and the Polar Bear Jump!

The big news this year was that Elizabeth was to become the 1st 10-year-old to jump!

See how happy we all are....and some of you call us crazy! Nothing starts off the new year better than a jump in 50 degree water!

It is exhilarating!

See how happy Elizabeth is? She's practically in tears over the joy she knows she is about to experience!

Jared always poses for the camera during the jump. This year he is posing as if he is blowing out the candles on 2009, welcome 2010!

The three original jumpers. They have jumped an amazing 7 years now.

Can't you just see the happiness and joy on my face?

And guess what?
IT WORKED AGAIN!!!

Top 5 Events I Didn't Get Around to Blogging in 2009

2009-12-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

#5: Z's First Flight! May 3, 2009

My dad came down from Flag and picked us up to go visit his mom, my Grandma the week before Mother's Day. WE FLEW! It's an absolute luxury to get there in record time and be able to avoid all the hassles of security and crowds at a bigger airport.

If you look close you can see my dad readying the plane. It's a beauty, ain't it? I think so.
On a side note: A couple weeks ago my parents flew down in a friends plane that has a super pretty paint job. Normally when they fly down no one at the airport even blinks an eye at them but when they came in the borrowed plane....my, my, my did they get some special treatment! Help unloading their luggage, rather than walking across the tarmac they were picked up in a golf cart and were even offered to have the plane refueled before they returned! I prefer the incognito approach to flying.

Here is the Little Z Man all tucked in and ready for take off!

Gotta protect those ears. If you've never flown in a small plane...they are loud!

Someday....Steve will be on the left, he's working on it!

We had a great flight down and back that day and Z loved it! I worried he wouldn't like all the noise but he barely seemed to notice. He is such a calm boy.

My BIGGEST regret...I didn't get any pics of Z with my grandma!!!! What was I thinking? I have no idea. We were also there for my cousins baby blessing, no pics of that either. Where was my brain that day?

#4: Halloween!

Forgive me...I had to include a lot of these, but he is just so stinkin' cute! We did a Halloween photo shoot a couple weeks after Halloween. He'll never know right?

I made his costume, something I had dreamed about for years. The pants are an old pillowcase I had from my first year in college. The fabric I bought I sewed to small the first time and needed something I had on hand because I couldn't handle taking him to the store again, plus I didn't have enough time that day. I actually liked the pillowcase better, the original fabric had bigger, wider stripes.

The t-shirt we already had. The vest was easier than I thought it would be, just measured a jacket of his and omitted the sleeves. The cuffs were a last minute idea I had after I realized he would not tolerate wearing a had and could not carry a sword. Just cut them to fit, punched some holes in them and laced them up with some of his shoelaces. Finally the jagged cutting just helped me avoid making any hems on the pants and vest, plus added to the true pirate look!

For the story on the funniest Halloween party we've been to in years go here!

#3: Our Worst Day As Parents Yet! November 15, 2009

This was the very next day after our Halloween photo shoot....what a change of pace. Z was eating in his Bumbo on the kitchen counter just before we were ready to head out for church and thought he would try to be Superman. Lucky for him Steve was right there and caught him with his leg part way down, unfortunately his little sharp teeth still went right through his cheek.

Needless to say....we felt awful. We raced to the ER and by the time we got there he was done crying and kept looking at us trying to figure out why we were so upset.

I was shocked when they gave him the same amount of sedative I give 250lb. men just to knock him out for the stitches. They had to give him even more later because he was still so active after the first dose. And people look at him and comment on what a calm baby he is....

At the time I was so upset I could barely talk about it without crying, so hence why I didn't blog about it before.

His range of motion was pretty limited on the whole right side of his face for a couple weeks and we worried he would always have a crooked smile. He also had a constant string of drool coming down from his lip...but he made a full recovery.

He pulled out his own stitches and when we took him back into the plastic surgeon a week later he said, "Yep, he looks good. Come back in a month." He didn't even examine him for the $40 co-pay. Gee thanks doc but I think he looks good enough to not ever need to come back, thanks.

He actually started to look worse days after it happened, much to our horror. The saddest part was Steve's phone call to Norma from the ER. He just said, "I ruined our boy." It started the tears all over again.

#2: Thanksgiving

Z loved Thanksgiving so much because we let him eat all the pumpkin pie he wanted! We just put a piece in front of him and let him go at it! As you can see he loved it so much he licked his tray clean!

So he took a lot of baths in grandma's sink. His look here kills me...

He enjoyed his first snowfall up in Flag that weekend and we were able to stay all week and play in it while Steve was elk hunting. Darn, no elk this year.

Finally.......drum roll please....

#1: Z's Blessing and Sealing September 5&6, 2009

It was a beautiful overcast day in Mesa the day we took Z to the temple and had him sealed to us. I guess you have to be from Arizona to appreciate this kind of weather, we were so happy to have some relief from the heat.

We had such a special morning in the temple especially because Norma was there with us. Having her there and kneeling around the altar with us and Z was a blessing we never anticipated being so grateful for when we first started down the road of adoption. I will always count it was one of my greatest joys in life.

To learn more about temple sealings go here.

Outside, the twins (Z's bio cousins) were waiting for us with their faithful babysitter, Soleil, who also watched two more of Norma's nephews! She is very brave to watch 4 babies 2 and under...

My Grandma Frost was there along with my Uncle Rick and Aunt Cathy. My parents helped us sooo much that weekend with all the company we had.

These two pics of Norma's brother-in-law and his toddler are just so cute. Maybe its the red umbrella and red tie, I just love these guys!

This is Norma's other brother-in-law, Kali. I think he has a special connection to Z, can't you just see it in their eyes? In my opinion Kali played a key roll in bringing Z to Steve and I, I will always be thankful for the support and priesthood blessings he gave to Norma.

After the temple we all went to Buca Di Beppo for lunch. All I remember of that was the horrible almost migraine-like headache I could feel coming on. Maybe it was the weather or just the incredible and overwhelming feelings of gratitude I was having all week leading up to this weekend. I came home afterwards and took a long hot bath and a nap while Z slept for hours. We were all so overcome with emotion we were just exhausted. I came out from laying down and found Steve passed out on the couch and my parents asleep in their room!

Steve's Granny, his mom Diane, dad Larry, and brother Sam all came down from Colorado. His sister Becky came from Texas and Z loved all the extra attention; it was the first time most of them had met him.

The next day, after we were all fully rested; Z was blessed in church and we had a huge dinner for all three families at our house. We were packed to the max with people all congratulating us and celebrating the end of a long road to our little Z man.

My mom made Z this beautiful (and yes I just said beautiful referring to my son but it really was) blessing and sealing outfit. Most babies have cute little white outfits to be blessed in with blue or pink accents. But not him. Because he needed something completely white to wear in the temple as well as something to be blessed him she sewed this. Chaz (Steve's brother) made a pattern modeled after a Baby Gap outfit Z had in brown. It was beautiful, yes I said it again, but it really was.

Z's blessing was beautiful too (just said it again). We had several great men who stood in the circle with Steve including my dad, my brothers Jared and Mac, Steve's brother Chaz, Kali, and our good friends Ryan, Curtis, and Dan. Steve blessed him and said that his name had been chosen to strengthen him and set him apart that he may always live to honor it. But what I really loved was that he said Z had chosen to come to Earth through Norma to bless both her life and ours.

Great weekend that was...

Here's to a new year, bring on 2010!

Petroglyphs Hike

2009-12-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

This was us the last time we hiked up to the petroglyphs in the Superstition Mountains almost one year ago. It just happened to be exactly one week before Norma and Z would be at our house for the first time. I had my brother take this picture to post on our adoption profile hoping it may help us get a bite.

At the time we had no idea that Z had already been born and that we would be meeting him and Norma just six days later. At the time we were desperately hoping a baby would be coming to us soon. I think our prayers were answered!

This was us yesterday, the day after Christmas.

Z loved the hike, from the moment he was in the pack and on the trail he laughed and talked all the way up.

Dreams do come true!

My 1st Christmas...

2009-12-26T23:36:00.001-07:00

My name is Z and yesterday I had my first Christmas. This is what we did...

A few weeks before Christmas, Mommy and Daddy took me took buy our family Christmas tree. It was raining and cold. We looked through lots of trees before finding this really big one. Mom and Dad put colored lights on this year instead of just plain white because they thought I would like all the different colors; I really did!

Then, we decorated with lots of colorful ornaments, some from way back when Mom and Day were little. Mom and Dad laughed when they hung this one up...

but they smiled really big when they hung this new one up.

Dad had to work for a few hours on Christmas Eve and I cried and crawled all the way to the front door when he left.

Usually I don't notice when he leaves and I was so happy when Mom told me that he gets to be home with us all next week!

Dad came home and put this crazy red and green outfit on me for Christmas Eve maybe that's why I didn't feel so good.

Auntie Norma gave me this great toy and made me some hats to wear when it's cold. Even when I don't feel well I like to play with my toys. Mom and Dad really like all the songs this toy plays.

I also got some clothes and toys from Grandma Sue, Aunt Monica, Uncle Kali and my cousins!

Santa came! I don't really understand who that is yet but he brought some fun toys too!

On Christmas morning I got to have egg nog and blueberry muffins for breakfast! I knew it was a special day and ate everything!

I took kindof a laid back approach to opening my presents and really just wanted to eat all the paper.

When I finally got one opened I wanted to eat it too.

Grandma and Grandpa came all the way from Flagstaff with Uncle Mac and Aunt Laurie. I got to open presents again!

Mom and Dad said this was the best Christmas they have ever had because they had me here. They laughed about not even knowing I was only a month away from coming to them last year and they didn't even know it! They didn't even want any gifts at all they were so happy and so was I!

Mr. Grinch or Mr. Incredible?

2009-12-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

For years this has been Steve when it came to Christmas. Well at least anything having to do with Christmas even a few hours before Thanksgiving Day ended. Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday after all and feels that it is often just squished between two holidays that get a lot more attention. He wants to completely enjoy all that Thanksgiving has to offer. The feast.

He's patient with my excitement over all that I enjoy about Christmas and over the years has become a lot more understanding. I love just about anything to do with Christmas and for all of you who say it is just too commercialized I say to you, "I just want to enjoy Christmas and the kindness it brings out in people for as long as I can. If that happens to start in September or even August, so be it."

This Christmas Mr. Grinch turned into Mr. Incredible. In my opinion we enjoyed the best Christmas EVER today. I loved every bit of it. Thank you to my family, Norma and her family but most of all my Mr. Incredible for a wonderful day.

On a side note, there are a group of little girls we go to church with that call Steve Mr. Incredible because they think he looks just like him. When I first heard this I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before! Last week at church Steve picked up a little boy with one arm and they said, "LOOK! He really is Mr. Incredible!" He makes me swoon too, I love you Mr. Incredible!

P.S. Can you just learn to smile like him now instead of like Mr. Grinch?

Christmas with Norma

2009-12-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

So we celebrated Christmas with Norma on Monday, since she is far away in a cold place now...
Here's a quick recap of our night.

1. We went to see the Christmas lights at the temple and supposedly hear a Tongan choir.

Christmas lights with 3 babies and a huge crowd=miserable+no Tongan choir. Boooo!

2. We all came back to our house for a yummy dinner of tamales (which Norma generously provided) and chicken tortilla soup!

3. We opened presents and watched the babies play=so fun, fun, fun! Z loves his cousins just his size....well he does out weight both of them even though they are 5 months older!

Judging by this pic, Norma liked the apron I made her.

Norma made Z the cutest beanie hats, I'll have to take some pics of him in them if he'll let me.

All the babies know how to kiss now and since they have all been sick recently and are on antibiotics we thought, "Go for it!"

It was cute until Z pulled his curly locks...maybe he's jealous because we cut all of his off.

Don't you love his little innocent look? "What did I do and why is he crying?"

But they made up soon enough when the twins helped Z open his gifts. I think they get the whole opening a little more than Z does...maybe by his birthday he'll have it down.

Merry Christmas Norma, Sue, Monica, Kali, and twins! We love you!

New Stockings

2009-12-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

So I tend to usually get in a little over my head. I have visions of grandeur for anything I plan to make, especially when it comes to something having to do with Christmas.

I am happy to say they were finished about two weeks ago and I even learned to embroider on my machine!

I planned them to look like the stockings my Grandma Frost made years ago for her kids but ended up not too much like them. They are made of red felt though which I love at Christmas and Z seems to like them.

What Sweeter Gift

2009-12-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

When I look over most of the posts I've written this last year, they seem to mostly take on such a serious and spiritual tone. I think people who only know me through my blog may think I have no sense of humor or lighter side at all.

It just seems to be that I often end up writing in the wee hours of the morning when my house and mind are quiet. Usually by then all that's left in me are my inner most thoughts and so here we are again...

Christmas is so different this year, well in some ways. I am still making more plans to create things and go places and do things than we have time for but Christmas just feels so much more real this year.

For years, in fact every year we have been married, Christmas has been spent in Flagtown with my parents and siblings. This is...yes I can hardly type it, our 15th Christmas married! How old am I, are we?! I was 14 when my parents were having their 15th Christmas together...and they had 5 kids!!! But I'm getting off subject.

This year we are staying home.

This year we have what we have wanted for every Christmas since 1997 (in '96 we were only married for 4 months). In '96 we just wanted to be pregnant and were still completely hopeful that we would be...someday.

This year we received the greatest gift and it's not even Christmas yet!

Every song I hear sung about the Christ child seems almost as if they were singing about my little Z. Not that I am thinking he is as holy as the Christ child was, anyone who has been around him knows that. But the gift of a son, to us, at Christmas.

What sweeter gift?

Thinking of the wait we endured for our little boy has caused me to think of the wait the world endured until the Christ child was born. For centuries before his birth the world waited. Prophets since the time of Adam prophesied of Him who would come to redeem us all, of Him who loved us enough to come experience life on this Earth and eventually die for us. We all awaited His birth and I believe we were all very aware of when it occurred. I believe we lived before we were born and even then were aware of Jesus, who He was and what He would come to do for us.

The part that has really gotten me this year is of the incredible wait time we all experienced until that day and how we must have rejoiced when it finally came. How we must have desired to sing with the angels just to announce that He had come.

I think of the wise men and shepards who believed He would come. What must they have felt when they saw that star and were visited by angels telling them He had come. Did they go and excitedly tell all their family and friends the joyous news? Did they gather what they needed and travel as quickly as they could just to see Him? I think they must have because that is what we did when we were told of a son coming to us.

In the days that must have followed before they arrived at the stable did they tell everyone they passed where they were going and who they would see? Did strangers look at them with wonder trying to understand what they were so happy about?

I think of Joseph.

What an amazing man. What must he have felt like?

And Mary.

Did they feel almost unworthy to be part of such a miracle? Did Joseph worry about being in a strange city and feel completely unprepared to take care of his wife and new helpless baby?

Maybe Mary had pictured herself giving birth in a clean, comfortable place with her mother or sisters present. Did she have plans to make this babe's entrance into the world the best she knew only in the end to be away from home, away from family, in a stall with animals. I wonder if she felt she had disappointed the Lord thinking it just wasn't good enough?

Surely, they did not think they would be there in a home made for livestock to even stay a night much less give birth to the Son of God. How hard it must have been for Joseph to be unable to offer anything better.

Maybe only later did they realize it was all just as it was meant to be. The Christ child born in a stable; quiet and kept away from the crowds, warm and safe. Surely that journey and stay was a trial of their faith and probably took them to the depths of humility.

What a gift to be blessed to be His mother. To be able to sacrifice a part of yourself for Jesus. What a gift it has been to be chosen to be Z's mother. How grateful I am to be a recipient of the two greatest gifts I know. Each such miracles in my life.

I rejoice this Christmas to have a deeper feeling of gratitude for all who had part in Jesus' birth into this world. Words I cannot type to express the feelings of my heart this Christmas. I thank my Father in Heaven for the tremendous gifts He has blessed me with. I will always remember the joy I felt over the news that I would be a mother. It gives me a glimpse of the joy I must have felt to know that Christ was born of Mary in a stable under a new star.

Merry Christmas, may it be as joyous!

Tomatoes!

2009-11-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't canned tomatoes for about two years...how I have missed their fresh taste in all my soups and chili. Using store bought tomatoes does not even come close. I've been thinking I missed the season to can them but then my friend Dyan came through and sent me a great connection! Normally I do most of my canning of fruit in the middle of the hot, hot, and miserable summer. But canning in November is a DREAM!!!! It was so much nicer, cooler and just seamed easier this time of year.

Canning in November means no cranking down the A/C, no multiple fans blowing from all directions, no steam from all the boiling water and pressure canners cooking yourself along with the fruit; basically I'm not sweating it out for 4-8 hours! I did all the tomato canning with my sister-in-law Jenny and best of all we had one canner going outside on a camping burner! Wow, that was nice! It went pretty quickly and we each came out with 14 quarts of stewed deliciousness!

Oh, and Z was there as well!

Building On A Legacy Of Faith

2009-11-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

Two years ago our stake split from one stake to two. A stake is a large congregation within our church made up of several wards, which are smaller congregations. Both are set up geographically which makes it really nice because you attend church with your neighbors and those that live near by. The stake we were in grew too large and so it was split. The stake we live in became the new stake which meant we did not have a building for all of us to meet. This has made things a little difficult as we have shared buildings with surrounding stakes while we looked for land to build on. Being made up geographically, ideally the new building will be in the area where those that will use it live. We were asked to pray and fast to help in this process and a while back it was announced that a location had been found. Today was the ground breaking.

I had never been to a ground breaking ceremony before, although they occur for just about every new building that is constructed within the church. It was incredible! I worked yesterday so when I got home last night I was not sure I wanted to get up early to attend because I tend to need and very much enjoy my sleep after a long day. But early sometime this morning, maybe 4am or so I woke up with voices of my grandparents in my head, "Angie, you have actual Mormon pioneer blood pumping through your body and you think you're too tired to get up and celebrate such a historical event?" I rationalized with thinking we had been told that parking would be terrible, we would have to walk quite a ways to get there and that we needed to bring our own chairs to sit in; aka: more junk to haul and haul it a long way (you all know my major adjustments in hauling so much junk around since getting Z). But then I next thought was, "You think you have to walk a long ways hauling a few chairs and diaper bag?" So that confirmed it, I was going. Plus, I really wanted to have Z there so I could tell him all about it one day.

We had lots of friends there, here are Bryce and Lee (ha ha, you're not hiding now)! I really love Steve's expression in the back too.

This was the choir, they sang Faith In Every Footstep, one of my favorites. The choir was made up of several members of our ward and another ward as well.

One Primary kid spoke, the Primary children (kids ages 3-11) sang How Firm A Foundation, a teenage girl spoke, then we all gathered at the pole...

I thought this was the coolest part. Our Stake President is really into object lessons and that was very evident today. This large telephone pole had been erected with a ring around the top and hundreds of cords streaming down. Each family was to hold a cord to represent that each person was needed to support the church and serve those people that need us. If one cord was dropped and several were; the pole remained strong and steady because those around kept hold until that person could grab and pull their cord again.

Besides all that, it just looked really cool and was so moving to see members of our stake all around holding to their own cords. We all sang True to the Faith. The line, "True to the faith that our parents have cherished," always touches me but especially today as I thought of my own ancestors and the sacrifices they made for the faith they loved and believed in. There in the mist of all those people with my own little Z, I couldn't help but think of Zadok Knapp Judd Jr. and all that he did with his life.

Finally, it was time for members of our Stake Presidency and a few others (including a few Primary children and young women and young men) to grab a golden shovel and be the first to "break the ground." All at once, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was piped over the loud speakers singing Come Come Ye Saints and most moving for me was the release of a flock of white doves. It was incredible and brought me to tears as I watched the doves fly and the words, "Come, come, ye Saints, no toil or labor fear; but with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, grace shall be as your day."

The Stake President spoke about how Mormon Pioneers who had been asked to settle parts of Arizona had actually crossed the Salt River right at this point and walked the ground where this new building will be. He wondered if they had any idea of how much would follow; the saints that would come after them, how they would sacrifice and survive and later thrive here in this desert. How they came 90 years before any air conditioning would be available. I am so thankful to them, and so thankful to live in this time with so much comfort. What an incredible blessing this turned out to be, one that will not soon be forgotten.

Too Good To Be True

2009-10-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

So I've already been in bed tonight all ready to go to sleep for work tomorrow. But I just can't sleep thinking of Norma. I know many of you are probably sick of hearing me talk about how wonderful she is to me, so you can skip this. In fact, right now I have some of the cutest Halloween pictures and stories to tell about Zad's first Halloween. But for tonight that will have to wait.

Tonight was our ward's Halloween Trunk or Treat. I invited Norma at the last minute a few nights ago not knowing if she would want to come but she did, so she did; get it? Afterwards we came back here and bathed and dressed Zad for bed. She wrestled him in his pre-bed wild state for a while before she left and for some reason I started asking her some questions about if she missed being his mother. She said, "yes." I asked her a few more questions and we talked for a little bit, the three of us with Pirate Z crawling and climbing around thinking we were all there to entertain him.

Hours later I was rummaging around our pantry when I found a little bottle of Gas-X for babies. I put it there back in January after Norma gave it to me the night she gave us Z. I have glanced at it all year and thought of her but tonight I just stopped and for a moment if felt like my heart stopped too.

I remembered her handing it to me so gingerly after all the hubbub had died down. I remembered her explaining why and how she would give it to him. I didn't get it back then but she was talking to me mother to mother. She had written up a whole list of his likes and dislikes that she had discovered in just his first two weeks of life. I remember thinking, "How could she possibly know all that already?" I didn't get it then but I get it now. She was his mother then and some things mothers just know. I didn't get then how a mother would feel if she were handing off her most cherished piece of herself. How much that mother would want to make sure I knew all I could about him so that I could care for him the best. I remember loving her for her sacrifice but just not understanding really all that she was giving up, I felt numb that night. Really, I felt numb for months afterwards. Numb since that first phone call that there was a girl my age in Queen Creek, who had just decided to place her 10-day old baby boy, and was looking for a couple that was willing to be in an open adoption. I remember for several minutes wondering if I had dreamed it all. It just seemed too good to be true. I just now feel like I might be thawing a bit.

Z and everything that came with him was just such a huge change; along with becoming a mother for the first time I really inherited a wonderful new family. It feels as though I got married again; new man in my life, new family that came with him, new ways of doing everything, new schedules, new career so to speak, blessing and sealing to plan, baby showers, rearranging my house, babysitters, more laundry, baby sized everything, visitors on top of visitors, and then speaking on adoption twice a month or so. And all of that with about 48 hours notice.

Through it all I just didn't get it.... until tonight.

Tonight with just a glance at that bottle of baby drops I felt maybe a little of what Norma felt that night. My heart physically hurt for her again as I realized just how much she gave of herself for him. This time I felt for her not as a person watching another hurt as a bystander, but as a mother. A mother who would send all the instruction and advice she could to give that baby the best she could if she were in my place. My heart aches tonight for that mother. And I'm complaining about not being about to shop at BR anymore? How could I even compare her sacrifice to my inconvenience? Who am I?

Then I think of the Savior and the Father of us all. How grateful I am to have become a mother this way. To see the Savior and His sacrifice and the sacrifice our Father made in a deeper, richer, more vibrant light. To have gained an inkling of Their pain and Their love for me and all of us. To know that They love us even more than Norma and Steve and I combined love Z. It makes me want to do all I can do to live the best life I can, to forgive others, be more patient, more kind, more loving, and give Z the very best of who I am because he deserves nothing less. How blessed we all are and especially me.

Z, Steve, Norma, and all of my family and blessings..... they still seem too good to be true.

Thank You Mayo!

2009-10-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your kind, kind comments on my last post, they are so needed right now! I'm tearing up tonight reading them, so happy to finally be home after a 16-hour day at the hospital! Don't ask. Even though it has been such a long day my heart is still pained thinking about not being an official Mayo RN anymore. Besides the fun money it provided what I will really miss is:

*My patients
It is truly an honor to be there in what often is a persons most trying moments. I have learned so much about myself and grown so much taking care of these people. It's hard to be a cancer nurse, organ transplant nurse and not get involved and grow to love them. I believe I will be a better mom because of what I have learned being a nurse.

*My dear friends
Something happens between people that truly bonds them in a way when they work so hard to achieve the same difficult, sometimes intense goal) These friends have really been a second family to me and have cared for me in some of my lowest moments. You have also made me laugh harder, dance crazier, and sing the songs from the Sound of Music more then when I was a teenager (although I never sang those songs as a teenager). I love you all.

*Pushing myself harder physically, emotionally, and mentally all in a day than I ever have anywhere else. Although something tells me I may be doing more of this in my future.

*My fantastic Mayo Insurance
I have never had it so good medically before. I believe Mayo will always be my #1 choice for quality health care. What a blessing that turned out to be the last few years! Most recently the very appreciated adoption reimbursement! Thank you Mayo!

For all of those reasons and the fab cranberry chicken salad in the cafeteria I will miss you Mayo!

Ch Ch Changes!

2009-10-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

So....I QUIT MY JOB!!! Yes tomorrow will be my last scheduled day to work. I am going "supplemental" after tomorrow. Basically I will only be working a little here and there, maybe only twice a month! Just enough to keep my license and skills current. Sorry, if I work with you and haven't told you yet, it has been a long and hard decision for me to make.

Steve and I have always planned for me to stay home with our kids one day. We have always had a four door car, lived in at least a 2 bedroom home, and only made financial decisions that Steve could support on his own without me working. Still, it is a huge change for us and for me, more specifically. I have been in a little bit of shock making this big change, "little bit" would probably be an understatement. I absolutely love my job. I love being a nurse and I even more love being a nurse at Mayo. I love just about everything about it. In fact there is very little I would change; like I would move Mayo to Mesa and be able to be in two places at once. At home with Z and at work with my patients. I love both so much except I love being at home with Z just a little bit more.

The first night I met Norma one of the questions she asked me was whether I would work or stay home as a mom. I answered as we had always planned, "I'll be staying at home with our kids." It's all I ever wanted really and what I have wanted long before I wanted to be a nurse. But life had other plans for me and becoming and working as a nurse has been a dream I never knew I had. One I never knew I would love so much. Working at Mayo has been even better, its an ideal place to work as a nurse. However, it's a season in my life I feel has passed. Now is the season of motherhood for me. It has been a bitter sweet change at times.

So to celebrate my new season I went fabric shopping the other day. I am all stocked up to make Z into the cutest, scariest little pirate for Halloween, I wanted him to be Michael Jackson in Thriller, SteveO said "no way." So it's going to be a pirate. Plus in memory of the stockings my grandma made for her kids and my mom made for us, I bought red felt! I can hardly wait to see the new versions kicked up a notch hanging on my mantel! I will post a pic, I promise!

So with the job, goes the "fun" money I used to provide. Which means goodbye to my monthly massages, my extra gym membership with the pool, my twice a month housekeeper (yes, its true...a little secret I have kept; Julia and crew I will and have already been dearly missing you), and most painfully leaving is my obsession with Banana Republic and Nordstrom. There, its all out there, all my quiet little secrets I have told almost no one! I have felt a little ashamed about all of it but have loved every bit of it.

Dear Z,
I love you very, very much. You are worth every bit of personal sacrifice and comfort I am giving up to be with you full time.

Love,
Your New 24/7 Mommy
XOXO *Kisses to your adorable plump cheeks*

THis Day Is Here

2009-09-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that this day is really here. I remember the first time I thought about this day and what it might be like. I was in a hospital bed on the floor where I work. Steve had left a few hours before to get some rest at home. He was trying to work, come visit me everyday and still keep everything running at home for when I would return. He was tired, but he sat with me, took me on walk around to all the places I usually went as a nurse. And we talked.

I was coming to the end of an 18-day stay and was finally beginning to feel better from what can only be described as the worst physical pain I had ever experienced. Little did I know the emotional pain was around the corner, waiting for me, and the Lord mercifully let me experience these two pains separately from one another. For that I am incredibly grateful.

We talked about our plans to adopt even though we had just found out my body would never and could have never carried a child. Again, the Lord had blessed me all those years of desperately pleading for a baby by not putting one in my body. But I knew we would adopt even before all this had happened. Before surgeries to discover what problems may exist in my body. We were in the temple together with some of our family, and I knew that day.

But on this night in the hospital we talked about when we would start the paperwork. We decided in a few months, after the current storm of our lives had blown over a little more and I felt strong again. We talked about what our child might look like, where they would come from, and how we hoped the baby would not have my feet or Steve's pale skin. We were excited and we talked about many different possibilities of babies. We laughed and held each other and dreamed. Then he left for home.

I lay in that bed, in that dark room I had only known with lights on and thinking of what I needed to accomplish while in there. Now it was my home. And I thought of this day. I thought of being in the temple with our baby, sealing that baby to us for eternity. I thought of how strange it would feel to take a baby into the temple, a place where usually only adults go to make covenants with the Lord. I thought of how everyone would know what we were doing there just because we carried a baby through the halls and how they would smile at us. I thought of our family and friends and the joy I knew they would feel too as they witnessed our little miracle be sealed to us on that day. But most of all I thought about the overwhelming joy and happiness and immense gratitude I would feel that the Lord had granted me most heartfelt desire. A baby. Forever sealed to me and to Steve.

This day is here.

So many things to talk about!

2009-08-12T14:25:00.001-07:00

So many things are going on in our crazy life right now and I love it all.

First: My brother Mac returned home from his mission to Oakland, California! Two years went by both slowly and very quickly for us while he was gone. He is the same but different in some ways as well. Z warmed up to him immediately (surprise, surprise). It has been great to have him home for a little over a week now. We really look forward to spending some time in the temple with him in a few weeks when we have Zad sealed to us.

#2: Z turned 6 months! He just gets bigger and happier the older he gets. Sometimes he just breaks out into big belly laughs at the littlest things. He grunts so I grunt back, he squeals and I squeal back, then he just cracks up; I just love it! Every morning when he wakes up I hear him talking to himself and I head in to get him. He hears the door open and just goes crazy kicking and squealing with a big grin waiting for me to pick him up. It's as if seeing me in the morning all disheveled and sleepy is the greatest part of his day (at least that's what I think). It is actually slowly converting me into a morning person.

He is in the 75% for weight (at almost 20lbs.), 85% for height (Steve loves this), and 95% for his head (he is a smart boy, you know). He rolls over and scoots around the floor, grabs his feet and chews on his toes, babbles, and eats lots of cereal and veggies.

#3: Norma, Steve, and I seem to be on the speaking circuit for adoption and all of its aspects lately. We spoke at a regional adoption conference on Saturday. It was a conference for adoptive couples who are currently in the process of adoption. Norma did a wonderful job. She first spoke with her mom and sister Monica on experiences a birth family goes through when placing a child for adoption. I find myself just marveling at how amazing this family is over and over again. They truly leave me in awe as I listen to their story of finding adoption as an answer to all of their prayers, and then Norma's unselfish choice that I know broke her heart. What I find even more incredible is how the Lord continues to heal her heart. Each time I see her she seems to be more content and happy with her decision to place her son with us. This is so comforting to me as I have spent so many nights praying that her life will always be as happy and as fulfilling as He can help it to be. She is a hero to me.

My dad also spoke on Saturday as an adoptee. His experience is quite different from most adoptions, especially compared to those of today. I always enjoy hearing him speak and it was so nice of him to fly down and share his story with so many people.

My dear friend from nursing school, Jody came to speak as well. She is a stellar pediatric nurse who came to teach on new born care. It's rare that adoptive couples are present during the whole hospital shpeal on caring for a newborn so her information was very needed and appreciated.

Finally Norma and another birth mom, Cami spoke on open adoption, a topic that makes many adoptive couples nervous, as it did us at one time. It's surprising to look back and realize how much our views of open adoption have changed, a 180 from where we started. To me, this is the area of adoption that not only requires a great amount of faith but also holds with it some of the sweetest blessings. Most people think of it from the side of the birth mom and the benefits it holds for her: seeing that her baby is happy and healthy, reaffirming that she made a good choice, etc. But from our side of things it brings so much peach to see that she is happy, doing well, progressing with her life, happy with her decision of us as his family. From where I sit now, I see very few negative aspects of having an open adoption. However, I feel that such a good relationship with Norma has been born of both sides moving forward with caution and consideration for one another but mostly just a love for each other and faith that Heavenly Father cares for all of us equally and desires us all to be happy.

The conference was wonderful and I think we were all pretty exhausted afterward. With so much emotion involved with telling our stories and hearing those of other birth moms and the families they have chosen; it felt like an emotional marathon that lasted all day. Steve, Z and I crashed hard that night in Flagstaff.

Yes that's right, after the conference we headed to Flag to hear Mac give his homecoming talk in church. My dad was gracious enough to fly us up and then back Sunday evening. It really saved us a lot of time and energy we did not have. An hour in a plane sure beats two and a half hours by car, plus we skip all the traffic; its wonderful. Every time we fly with my dad I think, Steve really needs to finish pursuing his license. Besides Z loves to fly as well, happy as a little toad!

#4 We are getting ready to celebrate our 14th, yes FOURTEENTH wedding anniversary! I can't tell you how old this makes me feel but 14 years with Steve and I don't regret one of them yet!! He really is amazing. I have a doctor that I have seen many, many times over the years since we have been married, Dr. Shahon. He is a wonderful urologist, who has seen me in both some great and really bad times. Even now when I see him he asks how Steve is doing and I say, "He's the best!" To which Shahon responds, "You always say that." But what else can I say, Steve really is the best. I don't expect every one to think that, especially if they think their husband is the best, but really Steve is the best and since you are not lucky enough to be married to him, you will just have to take my word for it.

These past few months in having Z has revealed a whole new side of Steve. For any who know him, you will know that he does not typically do very well with change. Especially change that comes quickly. In fact, he really trys to avoid sudden changes. So being chosen to be parents and then becoming those parents in a little over 48 hours might be considered by some to be a "quick change." I however, revel in quick change, almost like being on a roller coaster. "What a great ride," I think and then afterwards look back on the coaster and think, "What was I thinking, that looks terrifying, I just did that?"

To my great surprise, Steve has reveled this time. Not only during the weekend that we met Norma and then welcomed Z into our lives but has continued to shine over the past 6 months. I end many days thinking or saying, "I thought I would be better at this whole mother thing." Then I think, "Why aren't you struggling more with all of this change? You are the one that usually freaks out and I get to be the calm, comforting one." Anyway, to say the least, he has been the calm one and it has been wonderful. I love watching him play with Z, or feed him, or rock him to sleep, or bath him, or carry him around talking to him about everything in site.

#5 We are preparing to host not two but three families (Steve's, Norma's, and mine) over Labor Day weekend for Z's blessing and sealing. We are so excited to have some many people in town. Most of Steve's family has never met Z or Norma and her family. Several people that we don't get to see very often are coming. We realized I while back that Z loves a crowd, the more action and people to watch the better. He just loves all the excitement and seems to enjoy a lot of attention. We think he takes after me in this way. People, people, people, we love people. Watching him grow and develop is starting to reveal just how much he is like us. He is very curious like Steve. He studies new things constantly, new sounds, lights, objects, and he watches us do everything. It's so fun to watch him and show him new things. Just today I was playing on the floor with him showing him the handles on our armoire and how they worked while he watched in fascination at the sound they make.

Blessing and Sealing

2009-07-31T11:52:00.001-07:00

So now that everything is final we are planning Z's sealing and blessing. If you are reading this we invite you to his blessing on Sunday, September 6, at 1:30pm at our chapel. The address is 2618 N. Lindsay Rd. Mesa, 85213.

We hope to have all of our friends and family join us this day. If we work with you at Mayo or Schwab we would especially love to have you with us. The blessing takes place during our regular church meeting beginning at 1:30pm with all of our congregation present. Because it is Labor Day weekend we expect there will be lots of extra seats. The meeting will finish at 2:40pm and we will be serving lunch/dinner at our house just after this meeting.

If you are unfamiliar with blessings for babies, here's a quick explanation. Babies born in The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints (Mormon church) are typically given a blessing within the first few months of life. It is performed usually by the babies father or other special man in the child's life who holds the priesthood to perform such a blessing. Steve will be performing Z's blessing. Several men (usually grandfathers, uncles, special friends of the family) who all hold the priesthood form a circle while holding the baby in the center and the father blesses the child. At this time the name the parents have chosen is formally given to the baby and then a blessing is pronounced upon them. Typically a blessing consists of good health, righteous living, and other gifts or blessings the father may feel moved by the Holy Spirit to bless the child with.

If you would like a better idea of what to expect in a typical LDS Sacrament meeting you can go here.

We will also be sealing Z to us that same weekend on Saturday. We will be doing this in the LDS Mesa Temple. Again if you are unfamiliar; a sealing is an ordinance or ritual performed in temples to create eternal families. We believe that marriages performed in temples are blessed with a sealing power that allows the marriage to continue on after this life.

Children born to parents that have been married in the temple automatically inherit this sealing and they are blessed to be a part of that family after this life, forever. However, when children are adopted or a couple goes to the temple to be sealed after they are already married the children must have this sealing ordinance performed to be a part of the family eternally. Thus the statement, "eternal families" is something we believe to be true if the family has had this performed in the temple.

We are very excited, as is Norma, to have Z sealed to us forever. In fact, Norma will be accompanying us in the temple that day along with some of our closest family and friends. We are looking forward to seeing a lot of family and friends that weekend.

If you would like more information about sealings or blessings of the temple, this is is a great youtube video. You can also visit Mormon.org to have any questions answered via live chat. Or just ask me!

ITS FINAL!!!!!

2009-07-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

He is officially an Owensby! We can hardly believe it. Today, July 9, the adoption of our precious, happy son is final! We were really expecting the judge to tell us that we needed to take some further steps to make it all final. We had done things a little different as far paperwork with the birthfather goes...but it went off as planned. We stated our names, introducing ourselves and then we were sworn in (something neither one of us has ever done). Our attorney asked me several questions; ie: will you state your full name, date of birth, date of marriage, if Steve was my husband, please state your address, the date we received our son, if we were living in the same place we were when we received him, if I was related by blood to Z, and if I believed adoption to be in his best interest. He then asked Steve the final two questions and if what I had stated was correct.

That last question was hard for me, sometimes especially after spending last weekend at Lake Powell with Norma and my parents; I see her as being able to be one of the most capable mothers. In fact, she would be more than capable, she would be great. The fact that she has sacrificed so much of herself to see he has everything she has always dreamed of for him proves that point even more. I can only hope I would do the same for someone I loved that much.

Having everything go so well and maybe because we are still a little tired from The Lake we both just started to tear up as the judge was saying, "All legal paperwork has been filed correctly and meets all requirements for the state of Arizona. The state of Arizona recognizes the adoption of ZPO (he stated his name) as final on this day the 9th of July, 2009." We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and then at our little boy who sat in daddy's arms quiet and content to look at whomever was speaking.

We were there with only our attorney and caseworker so we just hugged them and cried. Again I was overcome at what a miracle this has all been. Us, Steve and I as parents, officially now, it seems almost unreal. Even though the everyday routine of having him has pretty much set in now (it has been over 5 months) it is strange to step back and believe we are really here. Parents, what does that mean? Its overwhelming to think about at times.

We went out to lunch with our bundle and walked into the restaurant telling everyone we were "parents." Then we had to explain that our adoption was just made final so they would stop looking at us with that weird look. We just sat at the table with tears in our eyes, kissing over the table throughout lunch, and making plans for his blessing and trip to the temple!!!

Can I just say that after all the waiting we did, there are SO MANY exciting things you get to do when you adopt. It's like the celebration just keeps going and going! I am thankful for the bits of down time in between but for anyone who knows me, I always love having another party or reason to celebrate!

Just a little peek at Zad's first trip to Powell!

Poor Z!

2009-07-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Please know that while we have not posted pictures on here for a very long while it is because we are enjoying so much time with our Z boy! Our court date was changed to tomorrow. Tomorrow is the BIG DAY, hopefully all will go well in court and he will be officially ours.

In the meanwhile and to celebrate our upcoming day tomorrow and our recent trip to Lake Powell (his first) this is what we have been serenading him with tonight. We will let you decide who is dumb and who is dumber!

Lake Powell pics coming soon!

Grandpa

2009-06-02T01:09:00.001-07:00

Here at my mom's house I finally found a picture....I've been worried I didn't have one for days. He was so happy when he found out we were getting Z. He called that Saturday after Norma had chosen us and said in his sweet raspy voice, "Ang....I here you're getting a baby. We are so happy. Tell me about him." He was so happy to learn we had decided to call him Z and told me all the stories he knew of him growing up in Kanab.

In February when we first took Zad to Flagstaff we stayed with my grandparents out at their house. Early one morning I fell asleep on the couch holding my new precious baby, when I opened my eyes he was just standing there watching us and told me he'd never seen a prettier site.

All the years spent waiting for Z he was so kind and understanding of how much we wanted a baby. It's strange to sit here after a family night spent planning his funeral. Even though we were talking about him, I wasn't used to my Uncle Mark "running the show" so to speak. He did a wonderful job taking care of planning all that needs to be done, who will do it, and giving each person a chance to voice their opinions and thoughts. But I just kept thinking, "Where's Grandpa?" Just when my mind started to think he was back taking a nap or in with all the younger grandkids did I remember. Everyone always deferred to him in our family and it was a big job lining out so many people to get a job done....Mark has a heavy burden.

It's late and its been a very long day, goodnight all. I thought of so many more stories of him tonight that I treasure...but they will have to wait for another night.

What would I ever do without this face?

2009-05-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

I never realized before what a blessing a sweet little happy face could be when you are so sad. Today I lost my Grandpa Frost. What a blessing his life has been to me. Strange to think only 3 months ago he was holding Z telling me he looked just like him...because they parted their hair on the same side, both had dark hair, and tan skin. I laughed at this even though they did have all those similarities despite my grandpa coming from two white parents, his skin was amazingly bronzed.

My grandpa was the kind of man almost everyone seemed to know one way or another in Flagstaff; if not by his church service, for his horses, or service to those in jail, missionary work, help with widows and poor and pretty much anyone who needed it. It is hard to go anywhere in Flagstaff and talk to anyone for very long without hearing a story about how they know my grandpa. He has spoken at many funerals some even for the young men he served in church. He served a mission to Greece with my grandma when I was a senior in high school and during my freshman year at college. He was a friend to everyone and was always happy to see you; even if you were a stranger to him.

Once I took a friend with me to Flagstaff during Christmastime and we ended up out at his house. My friend was going through a tough time and he greeted her with a warm hug and big smile just as he did me. Later on he sung Christmas carols with her while my grandma played the piano. I have many stories like this.

I was privileged to be his very first grandchild. He now has 37 and several great-grandchildren with 5 more on the way! When I was born he was bishop of his ward, a note was passed up to him on the stand telling him of my birth which he then announced to the whole congregation. As his first, I count this as not only a blessing but a great responsibility to be all that he would expect of his grandchildren:
#1 You must always greet him with a big, "HELLO GRANDPA" and a big happy smile on your face.
#2 You must not do anything that would make his children (your parents) worry about you; staying out too late, dating someone who seems "a little wild," or not taking care of yourself.
#3 You must always look presentable when you are out of the house or when he comes to visit; "pajamas are for little kids on Christmas at noon, grown-ups get dressed and fix their hair for the day Ang."
#4 Marry the right person (this has many rules behind it....we won't go into all of them).
#5 Go to school, go to school, go to school. "Ang, I used to think college should just be for boys, but you need to go, all the girls in this family need to go."
#6 Everyone has a special gift or talent, "Ang, you have the gift to be healed, that is one of your blessings from the Lord, I believe that."
#7 "Babies love to be held and cuddled, there is nothing they love more. You will never regret the time you spend holding your baby." I just learned this lesson from him.
#8 Men need the out-of-doors, a good horse out on a ride in the cool breeze fixes most problems, a good gun on a good hunt sure does help too.
#9 People need to serve to be happy, you will never find a happy person who does not serve other people in some way, its just how happy people live. Sometimes letting others serve you brings them great happiness so just let them, they probably need it.
#10 "Always stay close to the Lord Ang and follow the prophet, you will never be sorry and always be glad you did."

He was such a great man and wonderful grandpa. I am so thankful for him tonight. I am also grateful to have my little Z; his smile makes me smile today, what would I do without that on a day like today? I thank the Lord for so many great blessings. Sometimes I can't believe He chooses me to bless so much, why me?

Happy Birth Mother's Day! A few days late...

2009-05-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

but we did celebrate!

I tried to look up some images on Google Images using the words "birth mother" and then I tried "open adoption." Crrrreeeepy! None of them seemed appropriate to post as they portrayed birth moms in a negative way and one image was yes, really creepy. Some kind of alien type looking picture, where did that come from? So I am posting some of my own pictures from today.

We all (Steve, Norma, Sue, her mom, Zadok, and I) headed all the way up to the Northwest side of the valley for an adoption academy. In short this is a day of classes that teach the basics of adoption and its requirements to couples seeking to adopt. It seems like only a short time ago it was us going to all those classes even though its been over two years.

Norma, Steve, and I were on a panel of five talking about openness in adoption. We were joined on the panel by two sisters, ages 17 and 14, who had been adopted and saw their birth families regularly. It is quite rare to meet people who have had an open relationship with their birth families with adoptions that occurred that many years ago. We really valued and learned a lot from hearing their comments and afterward getting a chance to visit with their parents.

It has been interesting as time has passed since adopting Zad that my concerns over being so open with Norma have not been for us or him, but for Norma. She is seriously one of the greatest people I have ever met. Had we met in a different way and if she had never chosen adoption for her child I think I would still feel this way. The fact that she did choose adoption is only an outward sign of what she is inside. My biggest concern for her is wanting her to feel able to move forward in her life, get married, and continue her family (of course if she wants all of those things). At times I have been worried that having such a close relationship with us might hinder her in doing this. So I finally just brought it up with her on Saturday and I even asked the parents of these two sisters we met.

I was comforted to learn that both of the girls birth moms were married and had more children. I also learned that each birth mom had taken potential spouses to meet these adoptive parents, for their approval. I was happy to hear that this was Norma's plan as well. You see, I only want the very best for Norma. She truly feels like my sister and I don't want anything or anyone (including us) to stand in the way of the joy I believe the Lord has in store for her. So look out guys, we are very picky! If you don't believe me, ask my sister Laurie. I am SURE she will vouch for my discerning and scrutinizing taste.

I am so thankful that I feel our relationship is relaxing a bit with time. We talk about more than just Zadok, although I think we both agree this is our favorite subject. Who else can I go on and on with about how completely adorable he is. But I feel like we are getting to a place where we just call one another to meet up for lunch or talk about how great Sione and Filipe looked last night on The Biggest Loser! Which is exactly what we did yesterday!

We love you Norma...hope you had the very best Birth Mother's Day. You deserve every bit of it!

I had to include a picture of us at Fajitas! Our favorite place to eat in the Northwest valley. If you haven't tried it, it is definitely worth the trip! Shrimp fajitas....yummy!

My Grandma loves it...so do I

2009-05-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

So my Grandma Frost has told this story about my grandpa and his dark hair for as long as I can remember. At night when they were first married and throughout their 50+ years of marriage she loves looking over in bed at night and seeing his dark hair (now a little more salt than pepper) on the pillow. She says it has always puts a smile on her face.

I wanted for years growing up to look over at night and see dark hair. I have grown to love the lighter blonder version on the pillow but I must say...it thrills my heart to walk into Zadok's room and see his head full of dark hair in the morning. I absolutely LOVE picking him up and feeling that soft full head of blackness against my cheek. I must say, there is nothing like it in the whole wide world. Just when I think it is my favorite part of him, he looks up at me with those dark eyes, a sleepy look, and a huge grin (even though he has just awoken)!

Yes, I have taken a little hiatus. Working, loving this baby, and getting back on my bike have had me a little busy, but don't worry...I'm back and have so many great things to blog about!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

2009-04-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

So....tomorrow is my first day back at work. I can hardly stand it, my head and heart are a mixture of emotions. I think back to the last day I worked and it seems as though an eternity has passed since then. Even though it has only been a little less than 3 months, my life feels completely different and more real and intense in a way.

I absolutely love my job, always have. Being a nurse has been the most rewarding, frustrating, exhausting, and wonderful way I could ever have spent my time. Many of my patients hold special places in my heart and I have learned things about the very nature of who I am by spending time with people in some of their most trying moments. After being a patient so many times throughout my life I feel a certain bond with them as though I am one of them. I just happen to be having one of my healthier days while taking care of them. I love them. Of course I am saying this now. After my 12+ hour day tomorrow, I will still love them and my job, I will probably just be exhausted and probably really frustrated with all the extras that go with any job.

However, as I held my precious baby while he fell asleep tonight, my heart felt torn. Of course I want to be with my patients, I have missed them but I think the whole of my heart now belongs to Steve and Zadok. Being a mother these past two and half months has meant more to me than I can put into words. Zadok has brought to life in me something that only he could have. And although I have my times of going a little crazy with such a major life change the thought of not being with him for just one day just makes me want to hold him all night.

I know everyone thinks that their baby is the most precious, lovable, sweet, happy, beautiful baby in the world...sorry to disappoint but Zadok wins the prize. He truly is all of that and being without him for even one day seems like too much. As tears came to my eyes again while holding him tonight my mind could not help but think of Norma. Have I mentioned lately how amazing, loving, unselfish, and wonderful she is?

So off I go...and as Steve says, get ready to run. You see my life has felt about as fast as 15 miles an hour. Back to 100 mph, bright and early!

WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!!...and other fun news!

2009-04-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

-JUNE 25, 2009-
THE DAY ZADOK WILL OFFICIALLY (and legally) BE OURS!!!!

Easter weekend was really fun, my parents came down from Flag and we got together with Jared and Jenny and their kids all weekend!

I love this pic of my niece Elizabeth with Zad, they are so cute together. She is great to have around, yesterday she carried Zad around in the baby carrier and fed him!

Blake loves Zad's toys. Most of Zad's toys (stuffed animals, rattles, etc.) Blake brings to him and puts them on top of him and then steps back waiting for Zadok to start playing with them. Sometimes Blake will even go back over, pick up the toy and then put it on him again waiting....waiting....waiting..... Sorry no toy playing yet!

Good thing Grandpa was around to play with.

The three of us all dressed up for Easter. I remember taking pics like this when I was growing up, all in pastel dresses and ties, sometimes they even matched, thanks to my mom's superb sewing skills. However, all of these lovely little outfits were sewn by strangers, probably in far off countries.

I had to take lots of pics of this cute outfit from one of my patients and his wife. I first met them about a year and a half ago and honestly never thought he would make it. Happily he did and is completely cancer free! YEAH! While I was praying for their miracle, they were praying for ours. You can't beat patients like those. Love you guys!

Finally....Zadok's Rico Suave' look. Look out baby girls, his eye brows will get ya!

Baby Books and Family Night

2009-04-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

So...I've been thinking should I be keeping a baby book? It is one of those things that I thought I would have a lot of time to think about and plan for but that has obviously not been the case! Don't laugh! How many people do you know discover they are going to have a baby and then actually have the baby less than 48 hours later!? Ok then, back to the main point here!

So Zadok is doing all these amazing things, rolling over for the first time, cooing like crazy, smiling with not just his mouth but his eyes and eyebrows too and I never want to forget any of it. The problem is, that over the many years of waiting for his arrival I have NEVER seen a baby book I liked. I have looked at many of them wherever they have been offered. It all looks so cheesy and dumb to me, put their hand print [here], lock of hair [here], date of when they rolled over [here], and so on. I want something cute, imaginative, and fun!

I've thought of making my own but I need a starting place...and I am not feeling inspired by the boring white with blue writing and a teddy bear on the front kind. What is with all the baby sized little animals, pastel colored blocks, and ducks saying "quack quack" on everything anyway? Guess what he can't read yet! Why not put something on their that mothers like to look at....I can't think of anything right now I but not all that babyish stuff!

Anyway...I'm just looking for ideas, do you have any?

Also, here are some pics of Zad's "bio" cousins Levu and Liahona from the family night we attended with Norma this last Monday. Aren't they just adorable? They are the twins of Norma's sister Monica and are about 7 months old here! Doesn't that family make the cutest babies?

We had a great time meeting more of Norma's family and playing Scottish games. We met her cousin Monte who is home on leave from Iraq, we had heard a lot about him. Everyone dressed up like him from different times in his life. It was pretty funny to see grown men wearing little clip on ties and little girls in fatigues. Zadok won one of the prizes as looking most like Monte as a baby in an outfit Norma prepared for him and I can't believe I didn't get any pics of it! Norma, what was I doing? I did get some pics of a few people playing the caber toss, sheaf throw and light hammer toss, they didn't turn out two well but here they are anyway. But isn't it all about the babies right now?

Happy Birthday Tami!

2009-04-08T01:07:00.000-07:00

So my friend Tami is having a BIG birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

She used to live near me in Mesa but moved to Chicago a few years ago. What's the best thing about having a friend in a big, exciting city? A free place to stay of course! Here's some pictures of my visit out to the midwest from September of 2007. I went with a few of my favorite girls, Dyan, Marie, and Laurie!

You can check out more of Tami and her family at: Lake In the Hills Latest

This is Laurie, Tami, and Marie in their confused state at a public park in downtown Chicago. Good thing Dyan and I were there to help them find their way!

Here we are at Lake Geneva in Wisconsin on a Sunday afternoon. It was beautiful. There were so many houses with a backyard that backed right to the lake. Most of them even had their own dock for their boat so they could just walk right out and be on the lake! I found myself dreaming of a house that backed to Lake Powell but somehow I don't think it would be as beautiful.

This is us actually sitting on the steps of one of those houses, in front of us are the steps to their own dock. The houses along the lake were amazing!

And this, my dear friend Tami is a special birthday gift just for you, your very own picture of Marie sleeping on the plane! Everyone needs a pic like this for their very own, so here you go! Hope you have a wonderfully happy birthday!

If I didn't have a sleeping baby in the house...

2009-04-08T00:07:00.001-07:00

If I didn't have a sleeping baby in the house I would be screaming! I know several of my friends and family have read this book and several of you have not. So out of respect for those who have not read it I will not spoil it (please do not tell me what happens if you have read it).

But I am on page 127 of These Is My Words by Nancy Turner and I am dying! WHAT IN THE WORLD!?!?!? And that is all I am saying for now!

Shake Your Money Maker....he's not a fan.

2009-04-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

So I never realized that the song Shake Your Money Maker is a "stripper song" (I was informed by several people). I think it is a funny song and when you are alone in your kitchen with your new babe it is a fun song to dance too. As you can see, Zad is not a fan.

But here's proof that he has huge alligator tears, poor little guy.

This picture just makes me sad...I had no idea he was so frightened until after I had taken the pics and was reviewing them. So I have officially become a great mother, singing stripper songs to my baby and making him cry.

Good thing Steve is around to be Super Dad and make everything all better.

Zad at 2 Months!!!

2009-04-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I've been a little slow at posting but here's Zad's latest stats:

12lbs. 14oz. weight (75%)
23.5 inches long (75%)
16.5 inches head circumference (90%) AKA: Big Head

He got shots on this day and did pretty well but was not quite as social as he normally is for a few days afterward. He is rarely a fussy baby as long as he is fed, warm, and around people. He hates to be left alone in a room. He just likes to be around people, he is already socializing.

He started smiling a lot this last month and one day even lifted one eyebrow and gave me a big grin at the same time. All I could think was that we are in BIG trouble if he can do that as a baby and look that cute!

He also rolled over for the first time. I know you will all think I am awful...but I let him sleep on his tummy. He loves it and that means I love it too. But one day I heard him awake from his nap and there he was on his back! I couldn't believe it!

He has started talking more making cute little cooing noises and right before he sneezes he lets out a big, "AAAAHHHH!" It's hilarious.

Lauren's Coming Home!!!!

2009-04-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

So my friend from work, Mardi and her husband Dan have been anxiously awaiting THE CALL for over 3 years. THE CALL to inform that their daughter Lauren who has also been waiting for them in a Chinese orphanage finally came this last Friday!

Mardi was one of my first friends in adoption. I knew of her at work but when we each discovered the other was also seeking to adopt we became fast friends. One of my first thoughts after Norma chose us was, "I hope Mardi gets her call soon." Not only because I have looked forward to hearing of her success but because she had been waiting nearly 3 times as long and I really wanted her to have her baby when I received mine.

I just looked at her blog and saw her beautiful pictures of her new little one, Lauren. She and Dan will be heading to China soon to pick her up, I can hardly wait to see her and hear all about their journey. To see more of her story and upcoming adoption, check out her blog Laurens Journey Home on the right sidebar.

Congratulations Mardi! I am sooo happy for you!

Another Great Adoption Story

2009-04-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

I don't think I will ever get tired of hearing an adoption story, especially from the side of a birthmom. I want and feel an obligation to put as many positive ideas about adoption out into the world...so here's another great birthmom and her story.

Natasha's Story

However....I am still quite partial to Norma's! Who could blame me, look at the little guy! :)

The Temple and Warrior Zad

2009-03-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

We went to the temple last night, it was our first trip back since having Zad. I was overcome again with immense gratitude and love for Norma and our incredibly loving Heavenly Father. Last night during our worship session a prayer was said for the children and babies of the parents who were there. They were blessed to be "warriors against the evil one." All of a sudden I could see in my minds eye, Zad years from now with the look and attitude of a Stripling Warrior; strong, brave, couregous, valiant, and determined to choose the right above all else. I had a moment of feeling so honored to be asked to be his mother; not only by Norma but by my Heavenly Father as well. What an amazing responsibility and blessing I have been given!

Snap, snap, snap, & bla, bla, bla....for those who want to know!

2009-03-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

Loads of pictures of my beautiful boy. We have had a very busy weekend. Steve's dad Larry and Steve's brother Sam visited from Colorado, so Zad got to meet his other grandpa and yes...his very own Uncle Sam. My mom, her sisters, and Grandma Frost came for a visit also. Zad met my Aunt Sheri all the way from Idaho who gave me the best gift of all, a night of solid sleep! Yes that's right she stayed last night and got up with him twice, we even wheeled the basinette into her room, I never heard a peep! And to top if off I awoke rested and found all of my clean clothes FOLDED, her bed made and everything around my house just tidied up! Even better Steve took him Saturday night...so I got two solid nights in a row! Believe me I used my rested self to my fullest potential today, thank you Steve and Sheri!

Here's what we have been up to the last several weeks.

Zadok had his first visit to Dr. Jones and peed all over me when I stripped him for the scale! But he is so cute all I could do is laugh and kiss him.

I just love how alert he is becoming. Steve and I are able to calm him just by talking quietly to him. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I take it as a sign that he is really getting to know who we are. Today he started to cry while we were out shopping for his bedding and he just quieted right down and fell asleep when I held him to me and told him what a loved boy he is. It really warmed my heart.

These pictures are so cute of Steve and Zad sleeping on the couch. Steve took the first month we had him off and so they took a lot of naps together. I really need to learn to nap rather than spend that time on the computer or trying to get things done.

I love that he sleeps with his hands next to his face.

One early morning I found a lovely little blow-out (it's when I knew we needed to stop using Newborn diapers and move to size one). Needless to say both Zad and I were a little upset. His whole little body was just rigid he was so upset. So I turned on the warm water for a bath in the sink, as soon as he was in, his little body just went floppy. It was so funny and so hard to give him a bath, I had to stop to take a pic.

Steve's Granny made Zad this warm blanket and two little hats. Thanks Granny!

This picture is just so sweet of him!

Jenny and Blake usually come for a visit once a week. Blake can't get enough of him, I can hardly wait to watch them play together.

This is my new favorite picture of him. I caught it right out of the shower one day. I had laid him down while a finished up and found this when I got out. He found his thumb! Sorry mom, I didn't yank it out, it was just too cute.

This is the new toy, or workout equipment, the Bumbo (thanks Sister Turnball)! Steve puts him in it everyday to get his neck strong. Zad usually lasts about ten minutes before he's had enough. I wish I was getting 10 minutes of a workout lately...I so miss it and need it! I know it's coming, I just need a little more sleep first.

Oh For Fun!!

2009-03-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

So... my cousin has this fun post on her blog that I am posting here. It's kind of a game for us "blogger" types. Here's how it works: the first FIVE people to respond to this post will get something made by me personally. What I make is my choice, but it will be made JUST FOR YOU! My choice. For you. However, like all things that sound too good to be true :), this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- There is no guarantee that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you personally.
3- It will be completed sometime this year. :)
4- You will receive no clues as to what it's going to be. I'll let you post a request of some sort with your comment, but still... it could be anything!
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange if I so desire... it may blow your mind! Or it may not. It may be very simple and predictable... but hopefully you will benefit from it!

And like most things that sound too good to be true, there is a catch. You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same deal to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. Not too bad, huh? In fact, I think it'll be a lot of fun!!

So-- on your mark, get set, GO! The first 5 people to leave a comment telling me they posted this on their blog and want to win a free, FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift from me will receive just that!!! **Remember: You have to tell me in your post that you've posted this on your blog before you can be guaranteed one of the five slots!** Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it! Fun, fun!! My grandma always says that, "Oh for fun!"

Open Adoption

2009-03-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

I will be the first to admit, two years ago when we knew we would some day adopt, the thought of an open adoption was the last thing I wanted. It actually scared me a little. We had spent 11 years in effort to have our own children. Our final effort was a quick, routine surgery to check out my insides. Forty-five minutes of some dye running through my fallopian tubes to clear them and make sure they functioned the way they needed too and a look at my uterus, just making sure all was well.

It was anything but well. After surgery at age 2, 4, 16, 18, and 21 to cure me of cancer and removal of its resulting scar tissue growth, here I was at 30 hoping and praying this would result in my version of a happy ending. It was November 2006, I had the surgery two days before Thanksgiving (I had the holiday off and decided to take full advantage of it). I remember vaguely Steve driving me home and delicately telling me I was full of scar tissue...everywhere. Scar tissue=no baby.

Surprisingly I wasn't sad...that night and for several nights after. We headed to Flagstaff for Thanksgiving and that very holiday morning awoke early to a wet shirt. I went to the bathroom to quietly check things out so I wouldn't wake Steve and there it was...a green, wet shirt. I knew right away what it was, really really bad. The small incision made in my belly button was leaking and I could see a greenish outline under my skin. I called the on call nurse who told me to take my pain medication and call the next day if I still had green, smelly goo coming from the hole in my belly button. Thankfully I knew better and woke up Steve and my parents and asked them to take me to the hospital.

To make things short, I was soon life-flighted to Phoenix in a snazzy helicopter with my brother Mac (they thought Steve and my dad were too tall to fit, not realizing Mac is only a little shorter). I was met by doctors who I knew and had worked with (I love them, but that's another story). They spent five hours on Thanksgiving day cleaning me out and repairing my small intestine which had numerous small holes in it from the previous surgery. All went well considering the damage that had occurred and bonus for my family, they all got to eat Thanksgiving dinner at Mayo Clinic (I know you think that's bad, but you really should try it, you would be surprised)!

Recovery was tough (both physically and spiritually). Dealing with an ailing body (again) and the idea of not bearing my own children was almost all I could bear. In the resulting months I had my stomach cut open 3 more times (while I was awake this time) to clean out infection and help it heal right. I had a woundvac hooked up to my tummy (something everyone should try at least once), and had many visits from a variety of interesting home health nurses. Mercifully the Lord blessed me greatly during this time, in many ways but two in particular.

First, I had the distinct impression from my Aunt Lucy that I would adopt children just as she did. It was an incredible blessing that has continued on. Second, my dad donated one of his kidneys to my mom's mom in January 2007 and needed to stay close to Mayo so he stayed with us for a month while he recovered along with me. I will never forget how much this helped me. It is a rare thing to get to spend everyday doing little more than eating Ding Dongs and watching The Price Is Right for an entire month with your dad. I will forever treasure that time with him.

By April of 2007 we had our mountain of adoption papers and painfully got through them and finally turned in by January 2008. We went to several classes and workshops regarding adoption and all that goes with it. The most memorable was meeting and hearing the story of birthmom Tamra.

Something began to happen, adoption was already changing me. I started to feel differently about the whole process, I was so excited I was getting the chance to adopt! I felt at some point during that painful year of mourning the loss of carrying and bearing a child that I was feeling that pain for a reason, and it was incredible pain. Far worse than any physical pain I have had. But I was feeling it so that I would have an understanding of what a birthmom would someday experience over a child for me.

I felt I had lost several things: the power to create a child, my healthy body (I had worked it over and was in the best shape I had been since high school), I felt all alone at times, one of my favorite doctors (who had carried me in a sense through my own personal nightmare) moved, and some of my family relationships were strained which is awful especially when they were the only family I felt I had at the time.

Finally, after that year I felt I was beginning to heal (in every way). Adoption was changing me, the Lord was changing me and I was so grateful. I needed to change. I started to see the atonement of Jesus Christ differently, I started to see and feel just how he had suffered for me. And I was so thankful for Him. I just wanted to be and do whatever He would have me do to be better, and not just in hopes that He would repay me with a baby. I just wanted to be the person He wanted me to be for His sake, because I felt so indebted to Him and because I wanted to show my love for Him and the sacrifice He had made for me. I began to see the Plan of Happiness as I never had before. I was beginning to understand that I did not need a baby to be happy, He had already provided me everything I needed to be happy...His life and His death were all I really needed. And from this, EVERYTHING began to look, sound, and feel different to me.

Fast forward to January 30, 2009...the day I met Norma. I had already developed a great love for birthmoms after meeting several and hearing their stories. I just loved them and knew when I met mine I would love her as I had never loved anyone. It quite simply is just a different kind of love, but so intense and deep I know only God could describe it. When she told us she had chosen us the next morning, I could do nothing but cry. I just could not and still can not understand what love she must have for this precious little boy to willingly give him to us. HOW in the world could I just say, "Thanks for the baby, we hope your life is happy, see ya." What person would not want to be life long buddies, friends, and pals with someone so amazing? What parent would not want that person to play a role in this precious child's life? What better example of love, sacrifice, humility, faith, obedience, and willingness to follow the Lord could I give this child than the Savior himself?

People keep asking me how often, how long, do I have keep having visits with the birthmom? I want to say first of all, her name is Norma and she is more than amazing, she is one of the greatest people I believe I will ever have the privilege of knowing. Zadok aside I want her in my life. I can not even say her name without a tear coming to my eye or my heart feeling all soft and warm for what she has done for Zadok and Steve and me. She is the hero in this story, she is what makes me cry as I am on my knees in gratitude to the Lord. I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you that I never carried and bore this child because I GET to adopt him!

Adoption is such an amazing gift, surely something this wonderful could never be second best to being a biological link to a child. After all, don't we all come from the same place? All linked to the same Heavenly Father? All spiritually linked ourselves? Zadok is seen by some as "given to us" by someone else, but are we not all of us entrusted to earthly parents by God himself, no matter what path we may take to get there? How could one path ever be better than another? Surely adoption was always a part of His plan to create families. What an incredible blessing we have been given to be chosen for this path. I would have it no other way. I love you Norma, can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Check THIS out!!

2009-02-13T15:52:00.001-07:00

Check out what we did last weekend and leave me a comment will you! After several days of looking at these photos I can actually make it through them without crying.

Today was the first time I left the house alone in two weeks (it felt sooo good) since we received our precious little Zad. Louie Armstrong's What a Wonderful World came on the radio and I found myself crying all over again and almost turned around just to hold him and kiss him. He is such a wonderful baby and Steve is an amazing father...I'm in awe watching him lately. I feel like I am falling for him all over again. He has been staying up or getting up with Zad every night, wouldn't you love him too?

Happy Valentine's Day to the sweet boys I live with now. I love you both so much!

Our 1st Week as a Family

2009-02-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

This week has been so many things: wonderful, overwhelming, exhausting, and seeing the hand of the Lord in our lives everyday. I started a very detailed post all about my feelings and the events of this last week...I'm still working on it and will post it later but here's a quick recap.

Zad and I took several naps together in my favorite chair, Grandma Dutton took several pics of him the his first morning with us, and my long time faithful visiting teacher Alicia came for a visit.

This my absolute favorite sleeping position he works himself into. He maneuvered into it during one of his naps on his first full day with us and I had to catch a quick pic. I still love it, maybe even put it as my new background.

Flowers arrived from several people; Steve's work buddies, Great-Grandma and Grandpa Frost, and Steve's sister Becky and her family (yes, the one with 5 boys, 4 years-old and under)! They are all so excited to meet our new little guy and all of Becky's boys were happy to learn their first cousin had finally arrived.

These flowers are from G&G Frost.

We took several more naps together...I love him laying on my chest while we sleep. You would think I would be more rested but no, I am still wanting more sleep. But how can I possibly sleep when all I want to do is look at my beautiful new babe.

Zadok had his first bath at our house. Norma was right, he hates to be cold and cried through most of it but that is about the only time he cries....yes we know we are lucky. Doesn't he have such a cute little body, I love it! We spared him the full nudey shots.

Zad's hair has to be one of his best features right now, it is GLORIOUS! I say this because I have very thin baby-like hair, he probably already has more than me. I love combing it, brushing it, and yes I even gave him his first mohawk! I had to, besides it fits him when he's in his little surfer outfit (pics are coming).

His hair feels like downy feathers...seriously. I love burping him and feeling it against my cheek. My brothers started calling him Zadok Black Feather this week. It is just so silky and soft and beautifully black and thick. I have been underestimating how much baby shampoo it needs and have to go back for some more. It is board straight until it gets wet and then it curls.

My cousin Jenni drove all the way from Salt Lake to be here for his placement Monday night. She is a NICU nurse at University of Utah Hospital.

Zad checked out and she said he was a very healthy boy but thought he was HUGE after taking care of all those little babies. We hope she moves closer so we can start taking hikes with her.

Two of my favorite Young Women Karlee and Shannon dropped by with their moms. I had Karlee and Shannon when they were Beehives. I can't believe they are both driving now! I also took a trip to New York City with these girls and their moms in '05 so really they all feel more like my sisters. I love these girls and really loved Zad.

Of course the week would not be complete without a visit from our Mesa cousins. Blake, Kayla, and Elizabeth take dibs on who gets to hold him first and they all have to have the same amount of turns holding him. This is only the 2nd boy cousin on my side; Steve is already excited to wrestle with Blake and Zad.

I woke up to this the 2nd morning we had him and my heart melted. I've always loved those sleeping pictures of dads with their babies and here they were...my two handsome boys.

These pictures are for Sue (Norma's mom). She is Irish and when Steve and I saw this we had to buy it. Yes, he's Irish and we smother him in kisses everyday.

We had our first visit with Norma. Mexican food at Abuelos, YUM! She held him all through lunch and gave us a chance to eat. Unfortunately, he has not figured out how to be awake during the day and asleep at night and slept for all four hours we were there! I think Steve and I have adapted more to his sleeping schedule than he to us.

Grandma Dutton visited again (thank you Mom) and my friend Jen flew down from Salt Lake to take lots and lots of pictures. We had him nude for most of the shots and because he hates to be cold so much we pulled out the space heater to keep him warm and happy. In fact he got so warm Steve noticed his little buns getting red and realized he was probably a little too warm! Norma came too, so we will be posting some of those in a week or so. I can hardly wait to see them. If you want to see some of her amazing work, check out her website link on the right Beyond Beautiful Photography (my name, not hers).

Zad and Dad chillaxed a lot this week together. Steve introduced him to all his favorite cooking shows and lots of basketball. Zad's fingers are longer than his palm right now so Steve's already talking about him palming a basketball at 5!

Steve took 4 weeks off (thank you, thank you, thank you Schwab) for lots of bonding time and lots of help for me. I know it was a stretch to cover for him at work, so thank you Schwabies! Steve is great, keeping bottles clean, getting up at night, and dancing with him around the house. I love watching them together and I love being boy trapped (as any 5-year-old will call it) again!

Thoughts on Norma tonight...

2009-02-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

I am soooo exhausted, happy, emotionally drained, and gleefully happy every time I look at my new baby all at the same time tonight.

I was just leaving a little note to Norma (wow even writing her name makes my heart swell) and I thought I would let all of you in on a few of my personal thoughts I am feeling for her tonight.

"Just wanted you to know tonight that I think of you constantly, every time I look at Z the image of your smiling face with tears streaming as you walked into my house Monday night comes to mind and my heart feels as though it will burst with love for you. I asked myself tonight who I thought I had grown to love more in the last 5 days since I met you, you or Zad? And then thought I am so grateful for Heavenly Father cause he allowed my heart to grow bigger than I ever thought a heart to grow, I love you both so much. My old heart could not have contained it. I love you with my giant heart, all of its new size and all and Z just as much. Yes, I think I have a Grinch heart now, you know the kind that breaks the little measuring tool they use to measure hearts in that movie, the original? I just hope I wasn't that awful before I met you.

Thinking of you tonight..."

And he shall be called Zadok

2009-02-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

Angie is letting me, Grandma Dutton, update her blog while she gets ready today! They have decided to name the baby Zadok Paul Owensby. Norma chose the middle name of Paul after her beloved brother, and Angie and Steve want to keep this name as a tribute to her. Zadok is the name of Angie's great-great-great grandpa Zadok Knapp Judd. Zadok Knapp Henry Judd crossed the plains with the pioneers searching for a place where they could practice their religion without persecution. He also marched with the Mormon Battalion in the Mexican-American War before he married. His wife Mary Minerva Dart crossed the plains as a little girl, and watched her mother and brother die from cholera. They were married in Salt Lake, and were called to settle southern Utah. In their life together they moved and settled more than 15 times, often in frigid winter weather. Zadok and Mary buried 7 babies and adopted 3 native American children. We have often walked the beautiful cemetery in Kanab, Utah and read the inscription on his tombstone "Prepare to Meet us in Heaven."

Surprise Surprise Surprise

2009-02-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

This is the song that I woke up with running through my head this morning..."Open up your heart and you'll find love, love, love." Love for so many I feel today, here's our weekend!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing our weekend has been. All within 24 hours (literally) we went from trying to get our pictures resized for the new website for our adoption profile, to getting a phone call from our friend and birthmom case worker, to then meeting a birthmom and her family a few hours later, to then having a wonderful chance to seen her again the next morning, to finding out SHE CHOSE US!!!!

Here is a quick recap of our morning yesterday, pic style.

Our beautiful nieces Elizabeth and Kayla anxiously awaiting the birthmom, birthgrandma, and of course the baby.

Me, feeding our NEW LITTLE ONE for the first time!! I still can't believe he will be ours ON MONDAY!!!!!

My dad with him...

I don't even have the words....just tears.

Elizabeth and her new little cousin!! She has waited for so long for us to have a baby!! In fact I sit here this morning remembering all the times holding her and pretending in my heart that she was ours. Watching her grow up Steve and I have always been so fascinated with her as she is the oldest grandchild on both sides just like both of us were. I can't believe we will not have to pretend anymore!! It is truly surreal.

This is one of my favorite pictures. She kept saying things this weekend like, "So you are preparing to be a new mother?" Then right before they left she asked, "So do you get to keep him?" I didn't know what to say except, "I hope so, we will see!"

This is our new sister Norma. She will never know how much we have to come to love her in the last two days. Not only for the beautiful, amazing little baby she is entrusting us with but because she is truly a wonderful woman who follows the Spirit of the Lord and is willing to sacrifice everything she loves for the life of her son. Words can not express how much I admire and love her for her courage and amazing faith is us. I have spent so much time praying the last two days that we will be able to live up to all she wants us to be for him and all the Lord expects us to be. Please pray for us, her, and her amazing family.

The Polar Bear Club

2009-01-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

Every year just after midnight passes and we begin a new year, Steve, Jared, and Chaz jump into our pool. It started the first year we lived in this house and each year someone has jumped into the pool to bring good luck and good health for the next year.

So on the 5th New Year's we have spent in this house, ringing in 2009 it was no different except...Jared said he wasn't going to jump. He didn't even bring his suit to the party! We had a great party, baked brie and everything. I even cleaned up and beat everyone, that's right everyone at the games we played! But I was bugged...no Dutton blood would be jumping into the pool at the start of the new year. I couldn't believe it, Jared didn't even have a good reason, he just didn't want to.

Now on other years I have said I would jump and then something happens. Two years ago, the start of 2007 I had a large hole in my abdomen from a surgery that had gone wrong trying to discover the cause of our infertility. So jumping into the pool was forbidden as my wound was not yet closed. The start of 2008, I was simply...a chicken. I have no good reason for 2008, sorry to say.

As the night grew closer to 2009 we did the usual, pull out all the big towels, turn on the lights to the pool, and get ready for a good kiss before the big jump. So here are the jumpers, Steve and Chaz, they look reluctant don't they?

But, they go for it as you can see. This is the look of, "I can't believe I do this every year!"

"OOOOOOO, that's cold."

Then Chaz goes and I start to feel my excitement building...

Then I hear myself blurt out, "I gotta jump this year!" To which Jared responds, "If you do I will!" Well that just confirmed it in my mind even more, I was jumping. So I run inside grab an extra suit of Steve's and throw it to Jared and quickly change myself. I run outside to hear Steve saying to Jared, "Now just wait, she probably won't do it, so don't jump until she does." I couldn't believe it, my OWN HUSBAND!!

So I handed the camera off to Jenny and went for it! Too quick for anyone to even catch a pic of me in the pool! And WOW was it shocking!!! But surprisingly not as bad as I thought, it actually felt good!

However, Jared was not too happy. But there was no way I was letting him out of our deal. After a long deliberation, he finally went for it!

Jared is never too cold to pause for a pic of him smiling in the pool, every year!

So we got it, two Duttons in the pool. Next year Elizabeth says she is jumping. Since I was the first girl, she wants to be the youngest, she'll be 10! I can hardly wait! :)

Our Christmas

2009-01-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

We finally had a white Christmas in Flagstaff and it was wonderful. We drove up after I got off work on Christmas Eve and the roads were so nice. It started snowing just we came into Flag and didn't stop for about 3 days! This is what we woke up to Christmas morning at my grandparents house, we loved it.

This, apparently, is the face of Christmas, we were all so happy! You can even see a bit of Tommy's version in the corner.

Jenny said I looked like a cancer patient with this hat on, I was so cold...but I have to agree. I could fit in with my patients, at least I'm in good company!

My four cute, happy, funny nieces. Kayla, Ella, Galey, and Elizabeth. My three favorite memories of Christmas:
#1-See the doll Ella is holding? When she started to open her first gift, my dad yanked the doll out from her arm by the head and chucked it across the room. She didn't really notice, but I laughed so hard. I guess old toys are not allowed on Christmas.

#2-Ella walked around yelling, "Jaaared, Jaaaared, Jaaaared, Jaaaared, Jaaaared." Not for any particular reason, just cause. Even when he asked her what she wanted she would just start up again, Jaaaared.

#3-Kayla with this dog, Honey. She is my Grandma and Grandpa Frost's new puppy. She has tremendous energy, then Kayla found her. She learned lots of new tricks, how to walk on her front feet, wheelbarrow style. Then how to walk on her back feet and she even became Honey Bunny the amazing flying dog. They were never parted. Honey tried to make her escape but didn't ever get very far.

Tommy and Casey

Joey

My parents

Blake, my nephew didn't quite make it to sledding and feel asleep on the way.

Can you tell we don't live in a cold place anymore?

Couldn't resist adding another one of Kayla, she is so cute right now and loves to pose for pics. Where were you J&J? I didn't get any of you!

Happy New Year

2009-01-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we were really lame with our Christmas cards this year. We actually didn't even get pictures taken until 4 days before Christmas. So here they are. We hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Christmas Cards

2008-11-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

We are sending out Christmas cards and REALLY want to send you one, will you please email me your address at adowensby@hotmail.com
Then I will be mailing you some Christmas cheer!!

Groovy Halloween!!

2008-10-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hope you all have a GROOVY Halloween!! By the way....we are still looking for a GROOVY baby to add to the fam. Please keep us in mind!

Prop 102

2008-10-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

IT'S SIMPLE...VOTE YES!

Swimming Up for Air

2008-09-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I really am alive! We have been so busy and I feel like the only time I am home is to work before we leave again. I have so many fun pictures to post of our trips to Lake Powell, San Francisco, our family reunion in Idaho, and Steve's big fishing trip to Alaska with his dad! Work is going well and in all of our "spare time" we have been trying to finish up our new adoption profile on Parent Profiles!

I have been reading so many good books lately, while we have been in airports or driving someplace. Yes, I read the 4th and final vampire book, and can say I think it was ok but not my favorite. It was somewhat predictable but surprising as well. Basically, she ends up with everything she wants despite it going against what "traditional vampire" lives are all about. Anyway, right now I am reading Crocodile on the Sandbank by Elizabeth Peters and On Account of Conspicuous Women. The latter is by a new author Dawn Shamp. She is a wonderful writer who writes the story of four women in the south during the time of Suffrage. It has had me laughing out loud and re-reading several paragraphs just to laugh again.

Cousin Shout Out

2008-07-14T22:19:00.001-07:00

SHOUT OUT to all of my wonderful cousins out there is the blogging world. How many of you are planning on attending the upcoming reunion? I hope to see you all there, Steve and I can hardly wait to escape the heat! Its great reading all about your lives and crazy adventures. Love you guys!!

Lakitis

2008-06-02T15:31:00.001-07:00

Lakitis: the state one is in when all thoughts, dreams, actions, and conversations involve activities that take place at a large body of water, specifically a lake. Symptoms include: daydreaming about lake activities during work, mentioning the lake or lake activities in most conversations even when the conversation does not involve such references, waking after sleep believing you are on a boat (more severe cases often cause the subject to believe they are even experiencing a slight rocking feeling), and while working, working out, or even doing daily activities practicing moves like those involved with wakeboarding, waterskiing, or laying out.

Hmmmmm, can you tell where my mind is? I believe I am suffering from all of the above and even this last week have not been wearing make-up or doing my hair or even getting fully dressed as if I were already at the lake. Swimming is better than a shower right? And who needs a towel when you can just lay by the pool and get dry? Unfortunately I have not figured out how to waterski in our pool.

But until time on Lake Powell gets here, this is what I have been doing; I repainted my kitchen with a lot of help from Steve taking down our pot rack and then putting it back up again and from my long time fab friend Shelly (it was even her birthday)!

My inspiration...the color is actually called Lake Blue. I choose it based on the actual color and not the name but I do love the name.

We had a pool fence put in. We're getting used to it and it is easier to have kids around with it in place.
Steve put a tower on the boat with the help of my brother Jared of course:

Anyway, we're on the count down to our first Lake Powell trip, literally counting the days! :-)

Australia

2008-05-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place, you’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It’s not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather then by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are about to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column

For Kiki

2008-05-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

This is my niece Kayla, or Kiki as I have been calling her lately. She used to hate that name and we used to call her it more as a joke but she seems to like it now. She usually calls me Crazy Angie. This was taken a couple of years ago when she was about 3. She came over for the afternoon and we swam and did her hair. She was very proud of it and now begs me to do her hair whenever she is over. Isn't she beautiful?

Right now she is very curious about the birds that make their nests in the eaves of our house. We usually have a conversation about them each time she comes over; why they like to live in nests, how they make them, what they eat, why they eat bugs, and do they eat bugs even for breakfast? It always amazes me how much she thinks about these things. She loves to run races with me, thinks its hilarious to sneek up and spank me and runs screaming towards me every time we see one another. I love it.

I can barely speak about this.

2008-05-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, soooo sad. And now Mike D'Antoni, I have been mourning.

5 Random Things

2008-04-13T16:26:00.001-07:00

So I'm finally answering your tag Jacqui. I am at work today, floated to another floor and am bored wishing I could have been at church today for the blessing of our friend's baby. So...5 random things about Steve and me.

Steve:
1. For being such a lover of fine food and can tell you the ingredients in almost anything he did not like mustard only ketchup for the longest time. I had to talk him into trying it again as an adult for many years and now loves spicy deli mustard. Only the best for Steve.
2. He snores! He swears that it did not start until after he was in the plane accident with my dad and he shattered his nose, but he snored even before that. Although I will admit I think it got worse after that, he did snore before.
3. He will only ever buy Nike shoes unless they are "Sunday shoes." I have tried to talk him into other brands but after working at Foot Locker all through high school and trying them all, he loves Nike and Nike only.
4. He can fix almost anything. If he can't fix it he calls my brother Jared over and together they really can fix anything. I love this, over the years it has saved us so much money and I never fill like if something breaks it can't be taken care of.
5. He hates to wear a watch but always wants to know what time it is. Before he had a cell phone (which was only about 2 years ago) he would ask all the time, what time it was. He hates to carry a cell phone too, but had to start for work.

Me:
1. I love to sing opera in the shower when I am in a good mood. If I'm tired or grumpy I just put my head against the wall and let the hot water wake me up or put me to sleep (depending on if its morning or night). Steve hates when I sing opera in the bathroom because it is "so loud."
2. I love shoes, love them. Especially heels. I love that Steve is so tall and I can wear the highest shoes I want without even being close to taller than him. But any cute shoes will do. I love to shop for them and wear them...but I hate flip flops. The flapping sound on my own feet all day drives me crazy and the thing between my toes drives me crazy too. I have tried to find a pair I like many times but just end up going back to slides instead.
3. I love to drink water. I start to feel insecure if I know my good water supply is running short. I think it stems back to traveling with my family and my dad only allowing one canteen of water for all 8 of us. Dasani is my favorite and yes I know it is just someone's bottled tap water but I don't care.
4. I have a new phobia about birds. Ever since one came dive bombing towards my head and squaking loudly, IN THE MALL of all places. It happened twice and I actually started to feel myself having a bit of a panic attack. It was made worse because I was talking on the phone to my parents and my mom asked if it had clung to my hair and started pecking my head yet. My dad then got on and told me to whack it with the back of my hand, who does he think I am??? Him??
5. I have been dreaming of Lake Powell almost every night lately. It started getting warm down here in lovely Mesa and its all I can do to not think of, wish for, and talk about Lake Powell. I can hardly wait for June, our first trip this year!!

Meant To Be

2008-04-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a picture of the two amazing people we met in California last month, Terry and Sharon. Steve had to go to Costa Mesa for business and I was able to go with him for the week. The first night we were there on Saturday, we headed out for dinner in our rental car and the GPS system it had. Steve suggested going for steak but I wanted seafood being that we were in Cali (Schwab was paying for everything for Steve, so it was just me we had to pay for). So I chose 'seafood' on the GPS and about 15 restaurants came up. I scrolled over the list and finally just picked one because none of them were familiar to me, McCormick & Schmick's.

When we arrived the wait was about 40 minutes but they offered us bar seating right away, where we could watch the chef in action. We sat down choosing two seats out of three, closest to another couple and Steve had me sit closest to the couple (something he would never do, normally he would have left a seat between us and them). Anyway, they bring out this enormous menu and after looking it over I turn to the stranger next to me and ask if he had eaten there before. We talk for little while about the food and a little later get talking about being from the Phoenix area and what we are doing there. Gradually we introduce ourselves and we meet Terry and Sharon. Terri eventually asks what we do, Steve talks a little about computers and I mention that I am a nurse. We talk a little more and then Terry asks me if I am specialized in any type of nursing to which I give the very general response, that I am a cancer nurse. He responds by telling me that he had just been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia that very day. Needless to say the conversation took off from there as this is one of the types of cancer I deal with on a daily basis and am very familiar with.

We talked all the way through dinner about everything from how his family was taking the news to what he might expect over the next several months. My heart just went out to him and his wife and as we talked I felt almost as though we had been friends for a long time. We ended the night by exchanging phone numbers and decided to meet up for dinner later in the week after he had a follow-up appointment with his hematologist. We met Wednesday night at this amazing Cuban restaurant they introduced us to and we talked again for 3 hours, not just about cancer but our lives too. They even brought me a bag full of amazing skin care products from a line called Kinerase. On Easter Sunday, our last full day there (or at least I thought...see Greetings from LAX) we went and toured the hospital where he is receiving treatment.

It was the best part of my week and he and Sharon are quickly becoming our great friends. I am very happy to say that he is doing very well so far. We have been keeping in touch through email and calls, I always know it is him calling because when I pick up the phone he says, "Hi angel." It makes my day and makes me happy to be a hematology/oncology nurse.

Sometimes working in this area can be very emotionally challenging and it is at times hard to find the energy to give my patients what I feel they need, lots of encouragement and support. I can't truly describe what it feels like to not only take care of people with cancer but to love them through that journey, wherever it leads. All I know is that I can't help but love them. Each person I meet and get to know in this way encourages me and gives me amazing strength, it is a huge support to me to be their nurse even if only for a few hours.

We're On The Web!!

2008-04-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

We're finally up and running on the adoption website!! Check it out!! I think this adequately portrays my feelings about adoption paperwork, interviews, and basically any part of preparing for adoption other than the thought that it might actually bring us a child. This is my neice Elizabeth with me, the girl who made me an aunt, and the girl I absolutely love to play and be silly with. She is extremely bright, quick to think of a funny thing to say, and always has a big hug to give me and Steve. I live for her hugs, she runs up the moment she sees us to give us a big hug just like when she was little. She loves chocolate, fishing, and pretty much anything her dad is doing. Isn't she great, I just can't get enough of the girl.

13 Years Ago...

2008-04-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

13 years ago Steve and I had a very special weekend together. We were both attending Ricks College (now BYU Idaho) in Rexburg, ID. We were on Spring Break (which was only two days Thursday and Friday) and we went to visit his grandparents in Salt Lake City for the long weekend with his brother Chaz. The three of us rode down with our friend Ben in the back of his S-10 Blazer, all three in the back seat. We were pretty sure at this point that we wanted to be married and Steve wanted to go to the temple with his grandparents to pray and know for sure. He got up early Friday morning and went to the Bountiful temple with them while I slept in, he walked back into their apartment about 3 hours later. I looked at him while he walked through the door and he looked up at me with a huge grin and gave me a little nod. I was so happy and knew right then we would be married.

Steve's Granny and Gramps, Jean and Red Beam

It was also conference weekend in Salt Lake, so it was a little busy. My grandparents had driven up from Flagstaff with my Uncle Rick and Aunt Cathy to attend the conference. It was the first time we were to sustain Gordon B. Hinckley as our prophet and we wanted to attend that first session. Back then (I'm sounding old now) you had to stand in line to get a seat in the tabernacle and the line started to form early. Friday night we were walking around Temple Square and noticed the line had already started to form so we rushed back and grabbed our sleeping bags to sleep out on the sidewalk as well. Thankfully the sidewalks are heated from underneath so it wasn't too cold but everyone in line was still very bundled up and we had fun talking to everyone, I don't think we slept at all. Saturday morning they handed out tickets to the people in line and Chaz switched up places in line so that we could go back and shower. All three of us got in that morning for the Solemn Assembly and sat in the balcony towards the front as we watched and sustained President Hinckley. It was an incredible experience. We had met him personally just a few weeks before at church with Steve's grandparents, they were in the same ward there in Salt Lake.

In front of my apartment Heritage Manor #110

Later that day we walked down to see my grandparents and aunt and uncle at their hotel and fell asleep on the bed together (on top of the covers with my grandparents in the room). My Uncle Rick awoke us by telling Steve to get out of bed with his niece and that it was a bad first impression to find the two of us in bed together. We were so tired I think we barely noticed after we laughed a little. That night Steve went with all the men to the Priesthood session (both of our grandpas, Uncle Rick and Chaz).

It was a wonderful weekend and the time seems to have flown by as today we sustain our new prophet for the first time, Thomas S. Monson.

Waterski Crazy

2008-04-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

These guys are great and this is probably my all time favorite youtube video. I watch it every few weeks just for inspiration and it always puts a huge smile on my face. If I have been telling you about it (I talk about it to almost everyone), here it is. Be sure to hit the pause button on my music (down on the right) so you can enjoy the music they intended; it fits the video so well.

NKOTB REUNITE!!!!

2008-04-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

Finally, this day has come. I have been waiting for this day since the 7th grade. A chance to finally see my favorite group in concert, even better I am old enough to date them! Unfortunately, I am married and I am sure many of the them are as well. If you think I am kidding just ask any of my friends from the 7th grade: Ali, Shelly, Amy, or my brother Tommy. I am sure they will attest to my undying love for the group and my favorite NKOTB member, Jordan Knight (second from the right). Their song "Please Don't Go Girl" comes to mind as I think they will appreciate my devotion and that fact that I am still here!!!

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- They may be pushing 40, but the New Kids are returning to the block.
NKOTB

New Kids on the Block sold millions of records in the late '80s and early '90s.

The boy band New Kids on the Block, which sold 70 million albums in the 1980s and early '90s, has reunited and plans to release a new album and go on tour. The reunion comes 20 years after the release of the group's multiplatinum album, "Hangin' Tough."

"The fan response to this has been incredible," band member Donnie Wahlberg told the Boston Herald.

Wahlberg said he was persuaded to get back together with his former bandmates -- Joey McIntyre, brothers Jordan and Jonathan Knight and Danny Wood -- when they decided to record new music. Wahlberg said he wrote 80 percent of the new material with McIntyre and Jordan Knight.

"I had no interest going out on a nostalgia tour and singing the same material," said Wahlberg, 38.

But he added: "We absolutely will do the old songs for sure."

Producer Maurice Starr formed the group in Boston in the 1980s, hoping to recreate the success he had with another teen group from Boston, New Edition.

At the height of their popularity, New Kids sold out world tours, marketed millions of dollars in merchandise and spawned a Saturday morning cartoon.

The group disbanded in 1994. Wahlberg has acted on television and in movies, while Jordan Knight, McIntyre and Wood released solo albums. Jonathan Knight became a real estate developer.

Greetings From LAX

2008-03-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

Funny how things work out sometimes. I am happy to say that currently at exactly 6:46pm on Monday evening I am still laughing at our current situation sitting here in LAX for the last 7 hours (approximately).

We have been enjoying ourselves in Costa Mesa, CA for the last 10 days. We have done many fun things and met many exciting people (seriously). We have visited California Adventure Park, Disneyland, Newport Beach, South Coast Plaza Mall, Fashion Island Mall and several delicious restaurants. We met Terry and Sharon...to be introduced in a later entry (truly great people who made my whole week) and three girls at church that if we were to ever move to Costa Mesa would be the girls I would hang with. However...currently we are enjoying the many exciting sites, smells, people, and lovely 60's Hollywood orchestra music of LAX.

Its my fault really, I am taking the blame with a sneeky but guilty smile. You see Steve is usually the very planned out, on time one and I am the laid back, stopping to smell the flowers one. Hence, we missed our 1pm flight back to Phoenix by 2 minutes, yes 2 MINUTES. They were literally shutting the door of the gate as we came running up. I must say in my defense that several things delayed us, not just my easy going attitude. We had to fill up the rental car with gas, there was an accident on the freeway, and some kind helpful worker here told us another security line would be faster when if fact it was only a line to have our ID's and tickets checked for a 2nd time not the line with all the medal detectors and x-ray machines we actually needed. So here we are.

UPDATE: I am now home, 9 hours after waiting for a flight we were able to get on a 10pm flight home! My laptop ran out of batteries so I was unable to finish my entry. I tried to plug it in but guess what, outlets don't actually work at LAX. They are just there to make you think it is a wonderful place to visit. So I took some pictures...sadly they are the only pictures from our entire trip. Jen, I know you will be very disappointed in me, but who feels like hauling around a camera to Disneyland and the beach when all I will end up with is more pictures of myself and my husband who absolutely HATES his picture to be taken.

Anyone up for some CPR? I have actually been trained several times on an AED machine but have never had the pleasure of trying one out in real life...ANY TAKERS?

The beautiful and exciting GATE 81 everyone!!! Note: I did reach what my sister calls "hysteria" shortly after my laptop died. Basic symptoms include: hysterical laughter at almost anything or anyone for any reason (sometimes I try to choke it back by looking away or trying to force my mouth to close which only causes what is called "bursting hysteria"), uncontrolled movement of the limbs (twitching or dancing to see if I can get any kids or adults to give me strange looks or laughing), and if left alone and especially if the thought, “I am never going to see these people again,” crosses my mind random shrieks, barks, or screams. Fortunately for those around me Steve was present and it didn’t take on its full force simply because after being patient for a while he becomes really annoyed and leaves. What fun is hysteria if there is no one there to enjoy it with.

The 5:55pm flight that we were not able to get on due to over booking by 17 people and everyone was able to get on because it was 45min. late taking off!! They even took the time to wash the windshield! I wonder if the windshield of the 1pm flight was clean? Oh well, we were still enjoying ourselves at that point.

The Route 66 Restaurant we ate lunch at after missing our first flight and as we were leaving Steve said to our waitress, “See you in a few hours for dinner.” I thought he was joking. I was a little annoyed by the fact that one entire wall of the place had a huge dinosaur painted on it with the words, “Greetings from the Grand Canyon. Dinosaur, AZ.” I hate it when people spread falsehoods or create false places and help people believe they are REAL. There is no Dinosaur, Arizona people.

Finally the blessed 10:10pm flight we made on time, in seats not together, but got us home in only 35min.! YEAH!!

In the Shadow of the Moon

2008-03-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

If you have not seen this it is definitely worth the rental fee. I picked it up thinking it might be somewhat interesting (I've been doing a lot of reading about events that took place during the 60's). WOW is all I found myself saying several times as tears flowed watching this. We are sooo blessed with so much! The pictures and stories of these men that walked on the moon are remarkable. I thought I knew their story, but this documentary takes you into their thoughts and feelings as they were preparing, traveling to and walking on the moon and back to Earth. It gave me such a boost in my testimony of the creation, the Lord's plan for us, and ALL that He continually watches over. He truly does love us so much and enables us to achieve our worthy goals and desires in life. If you have ever wondered or even doubted if He knows us and is in charge of things this is worth watching. I highly recommend it to anyone.

WE FINALLY GOT IT!!

2008-03-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

YEEESSSSS!!! WE GOT IT TODAY! Against the Spurs no less! This was an incredible game, INCREDIBLE! With Shaq and Stod both with 5 personal fouls kept in the game, good move Dan. And then imagine a guy sized Shaq diving the crowd towards you!! Anyway I won't ruin all the fun. If you missed it we do have it DVR'd if you want a replay, I'm game! :-) I could not find any pics from the game yet...hopefully coming soon.

On a personal note to Allen, thanks for staying true to the blood line. Sorry I doubted, it won't happen again.

What's Up SUNS???

2008-03-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, I realize as I am writing this that it is only halftime during the Suns vs. Nuggets game tonight. But ever since we signed Shaq we have not been doing as well. I was a little leary when I first heard of Shaq wearing our orange and purple but I decided that if he could get on board, learn to run a little, and be just a little more humble I would be happy about it. And, he did start by saying that he would play "our game" and not make the team play for him, so I was happy. But what's UP? We haven't been the same? I want the trophy, once and for all, in the valley where it belongs!

Purse Tag

2008-02-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

Scary as it is, here it is Jen. Pictures of my bag and all that I carry in it. If you have not been tagged, go for it. I would love to know I am not the only one to carry so much around.

A few things here are my favorite new sunglasses, a pair of Oakleys, the book Three Weeks with My Brother by Nicholas and Micah Sparks...good read. The Ensign, I like to have something to read in case I get stuck waiting somewhere. Diet Coke, its usually a bottle of Dasani water but you caught me on a tired day. Black Chocolate cell phone, don't love it but it works. 4 different types of lip gloss...I don't know why I really only use 2 of them. Alcohol swabs, Purell hand gel, CPR mask for mouth to mouth and pain killer...I'm a nurse, they are must haves. ID badge for work. Pocket calendar, I have tried to get into the digital age of planning but just can't do it. Notes and power points from training days at work. Receipts and other junk I threw away after this photo.

WE ARE CERTIFIED!!!

2008-02-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

We are officially certified to adopt, we got the call yesterday!! We can hardly believe it. It has been a long, often torturous journey getting here, but we are here! We are busy getting our new website up and running for the birth moms out there, so keep your eyes and ears out for us on anyone looking for help with their unplanned pregnancy. We are willing to consider and pray about any leads... so anything goes. We will soon be posting all of our information as links on this blog, in the mean time we can be reached at steveandangie95@gmail.com

ABC's about me

2008-02-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Steve is out of town, I can't sleep without him, so I am trying to get through another long night, so I'll take your tag Ali.

Any hobbies...cycling, running, water sports, scrapbooking, & yoga

Best Memories...Lake Powell (of course), Hawaii with Steve, any time spent on a lake with a boat, summer 1992 (I had just turned 16), last January laid up with my dad for a month after we had both had surgery, anytime Steve smiles

Cake or Pie...cake, my mom's lemon cake with fluffy frosting

Day of Choice...any day of the week Steve and I both have off together (it changes with my schedule)

Essential Item...hot shower, comfy bed, and my new bike, and my Toyota Tacoma, you want me to choose just one?

Favorite color...blue, any shade and for some reason green lately

Get up early or late...early if it means I get to go for a good ride on my bike but only if I have had enough sleep and don't have to talk to anyone, sleep in every other day

Hometown...Flagstaff, AZ (the best place EVER!!)

Indulgence...a 2-hour massage and to sleep next to Steve tonight

January or July...July, as long I'm on a boat at Lake Powell

Kids...0, know anyone looking to adopt?

Love to...laugh

Marriage Date...August 18, 1995, yes its been that long, I love it

Number of brothers and sisters...4 brothers, 1 sister

Open or close the bathroom door...whatever

Phobia and Fears...someone sneeking up on me and grabbing my neck while I am bent over blow-drying my hair (weird, I know)

Quote..."You can either laugh or cry, I prefer to laugh, crying gives me a headache."

Reason to smile...watching Steve succeed at something, playing with anyone's children

States lived in...Arizona and Idaho

Trips, Memorable...Mexico with my family and Steve (four months after we were married), Mexico with my family and 13 of us in one two bedroom beach house, Lake Powell, our 10-year Anniversary trip (Sedona, Glacier NP,& Yellowstone NP), Hawaii, NY with friends, Chicago with friends, Boston for work, SF for Steve's work

Unknown fact about me...If I told you I'd have to kill you.

Vegetable...any, I love them all.

Want to learn to...do a flip on a wakeboard, put in PICC lines, do a bone marrow biopsy

Xcellent Adventures...NY with 2 other women and 5 teenage girls, Mexico with Steve and a lack of fly paper

Your favorite food...almost anything but onions and tomatoes, especially if Steve makes it

Zodiac sign...Gemini

I tag Kenna!